RAINBOW....s

Now, I'm not usually one to put a title on my blobs- because I don't really care what they're called, I usually have no clue what I'm going to say, and then I don't feel like titling it. So- what's all this got to do with rainbows? absolutely nothing...

Yesterday I got dressed: I put on my favorite t-shirt (it's pink and has rainbows on it) and put in my favorite earrings. They're big rainbow-striped hoops. And then I remembered: it's gay pride week. Or weekend. I thought about changing...but then was like...pfft...not!
I have an issue with this whole "rainbow"thing. I LOVE rainbows. My new favorite color is rainbow. They're so pretty! And inclusive...it's like...all the colors. And they're also a reminder of God's promises to us. So...how do we allow Satan to take something God created to be a reminder of his love and pervert it into a symbol that promotes sin? And if you are a wearer/lover of that sin, you must be taking part in said sin. That sucks! Especially when christians even comment on your rainbow wearing. As though they don't know the promises!
So, yes, I like rainbows. And I think everyone should. And we should stop being so stereotypical and narrow-minded and ridiculous! pfft...and i figure, if we're restoring god's name, why not restore his promises, and other things. like- his law, even. i know we're not under law, but there are things in there that would be extremely helpful today. like...dont commit adultry, dont covet, and...i dont know...LOVE PEOPLE AND GOD!!!

I was reading someone's blob and as I was commenting I realized...pfft...i should just blob this. So, here tis:

I have a problem with caring. Sometimes I think I care too much. If that's even possible. I get caught up in the "what can I do" for people, that I don't see what I am doing. It kind of goes along with a friend's blob about meeting a lady, and after mentally scanning the contents of her bag she realized she had nothing to help this chick, but what the chick needed was help getting up...only, there are times when there's nothing you can do but pray. And while that's more than a sandwich, Satan has twisted my mind to see it as nothing. Although, I'm seeing it as more- it just doesn't feel as practical. Especially in the following story:

Last night, I was going to let a friend sleep in my room, but she is barred from the Empress, and so when I got home, I had to tell her to leave. I had to make her sleep outside. She told me that I had to save her. That I was the only one who could help. That I was her little Jesus. It was 10:45, so it was too late for her to line up for a shelter, and she's got some anger/rage/crazy issues, so she's barred from most places anyway. As she was laying on my couch she would say something that gave me a glimpse into what was going- some comments she made indicated that she is going to do something to get into jail because she is so screwed right now with a place to live that at least then she'd have a bed and food. She also said she wished she was a dude, at least then she could sleep outside.
When you have someone laying on your couch, who hasn't slept in awhile, who you know will flip if you push too hard, who you just want to help- but there's nothing you can do- it sucks.

Where I live it's so easy to get bogged down in trying to help people that you get lost in a sea of hopelessness. Hallelujah, that hasn't happened to me in a long time- but we have a flock of new students coming in soon and I remember how overwhelming things seemed in the beginning and how Satan used situations to speak lies to me.
But I am learning that God can do it. I just sometimes have trouble waiting.

God, help us to have eyes to see where you are at work. And also eyes to see where we can do your work. Where we can establish your kingdom, and help bring about your justice. I pray that you download plans of action into us so taht we aren't overwhelmed and can go out and fight. I pray for victories, BIG ones- undeniable ones. Places where we can point and say- see that hurdle we jumped? See that mountain we climbed? So that we are not discouraged. And I pray for a renewed hope and a renewed sense of justice. And...a renewed dependancy on you, not what's in my bag. AMEN and AMEN.

I was reading comments on past blobs- which I usually don't check for comments once I've written a new blob, but I should. I miss some stuff when I don't.
Yes, Tara- I did write the poem. I used to want to be a poet. That could be embarassing and weird for me to admit- but, since you don't know meeeee...haha.
It's nice to read comments, that make me feel special. I like to feel special. It's...special. Encouraging people is excellent! (Note: this is not me trying to get you to comment more) I think I should encourage people more. It's definitely an area I need work- so, here goes!

Be encouraged!

Haha! Jk...but seriously, folks! You have something to give, give it! It's beautiful and God gave it to you. I don't know what it is, you may not even want to admit that you have it, but you do, so give it! You may be afraid that you won't use it correctly, or as well as others,or you may just be lazy, or perhaps you're like me- you don't know why you can't bare the thought of having talents and gifts, you think you'd rather suck- well, you don't. Like I said, you have something to give- give it!

So...be encouraged!

My blob should now recieve anonynomous comments. I haf changed it many many times, it is just gay. And by gay, I mean stoopid, not of the homosexual orientation. I realize some people may be offended by the usage of the term "gay" in this context, but I assure you I do not mean to offend. Not now, anyway. So, what not choose a different word instead of blogging an explanation as to what I meant by the word "gay"? Because- that would have been too easy and made too much senes. mahaha!

i thought i was done being frustrated and angry. but tonight i was. today my emotions got a little whacky at some points, and it's incredibly weird.
i was walking down the street when all of the sudden i basically had a panic attack. my insides completely flipped! i thought i was gunna flip on the outside, but the person i was with remained clueless. and i was serioulsy freaking. my heart was racing my stomach was all knotty and i thought i would throw up. when it finally passed i felt really weak, tired, and nervous. like i'd had a real panic attack.
then tonight i just kept getting frustrated. it sucked.
then i would get sort of sad.
then i tried to call my sister and i talked to my mom for a few minutes but she was too busy. and then when i finally got ahold of her my phone card ran out of minutes because it charged 20 minutes every phone call- which its totally not supposed to do. so then i wanted to scream and yell and punch something and cuss and throw the effing phone across the effing room and watch it shatter against the wall. and then i started to cry. but then i had to stop. i didnt want to. but i did.
and now i feel tired. and defeated.
ive been doing so well. am i still doing well? can you feel like this and still do well? i want to do well! i want a lot of things right now, actually.
i want to be able to talk to my mom without worrying about what time it is there and whether or not she's too busy or whether or not im boring her with my junk, and i want to be able to talk to my little sister and hear that shes doing ok without my phone card dying i want to be able to hang out with my brother and write stories and poems and sing songs at the top of my lungs as we drive around in his jeep and i want to hang out with my friends and make jokes and have fun and laugh. i want to be able to talk to all these people and know they arent too busy for me. to know they arent too busy to e-mail me back and to just hang our with them.
but, right now, i cant even afford another phone card to call my babysister and make sure shes ok.
my insides hurt, and my eyes are starting to burn as well as the back of my throat due to the tears that i cant seem to let go of.
please pray for me.

Words of Wisdumb:
"Don't run naked through a briar patch during a stow storm."
- J. M. R./ J. D. S.
Best advice ever:
"Do well."
- H. W. B. D.
Best Compliment ever:
"You're doing well."
-E. R. G.

Have you ever done something stupid because it seemed to be the expectation? Like, for example, I have eaten tons of icing in my day- because people expected that of me.
A lot of crap that I've had to deal with these past few months come from me letting myself be bogged down by what I perceived to be the world's expectations. I allowed myself to become "just !@#$%" Y'know? I would get by with things because, "oh,it's just !@#$%" And it sucked. I hated being "just !@#$%" almost as much as i hated being known as "!*#$%^'s sister." So, seriously...I don't really know how to change the world from having a certain picture of a person and then keeping them in that box. Because, honestly, I don't fit in a box and neither does anyone I know.
Maybe that's why when I talk about people, i have a hard time describing them, because I don't want to put them in a box, I want to see every dimension of them and to describe someone makes them too one-dimensional sometimes.
But anyhoo- this blob is just me being a bit ticked off at people because sometimes, when you expect someone to fail, they meet your expectations, and then you get mad. And when they succeed, you don't even notice.

I spend my days in a warped amusement park.
40 bucks for a ride.
How long does it last?
How long can you go?
10 bucks for a ride.
This one takes you higher than you’ve ever been.
No janitor’s to clean up the park,
Plates and food everywhere.
Tonight the place is empty.
Last night it was full.
Tonight everyone can afford their rides.
Today they couldn’t very wel pay the fare.
Most nights the people dance in the streets.
Screaming and yelling they run about.
How long will it last?
How long can you go?
Bending and twisting, and hopping around.
The people can’t stand up straight,
They line up in food lines,
Swearing and fighting.
Most of them don’t know what they want,
Or even how to get it.
40 bucks for a ride.
How long will it last?
How long can you go?
10 bucks for a ride.
It’ll only sting for minute.
It’d cold and rainy, and very wet,
It only means more fighting
No one sells panchos,
There are no public restrooms.
Shaking and shivering- in spite of the cold?
Roller-coasters with the biggest turns
Ups down and crazy corkscrews.
How long will it last?
How long can you go?

Today I was putting the babies to bed and then I took I shower. When I got out of the shower, I noticed the littlest babies blanket on the floor of the hallway. As I looke at it again, I noticed, the baby was under it, sleeping in the hallway. As I picked her up and put her back in her bed, I was amazed at how incredibly awesome God is.
What did I ever do to deserve to tuck in His babies? What did I do to be able to kiss them good-night, to read them bedtime stories, to hug them, to put a band-aid on them, to pray with and for them? What did I do?
Absolutely nothing.
I was thinking, then, about the people God trusted me with, and I hurt them instead of speaking life into them. It sucks to look back at those things. It hurts. But God has given me a second chance with a lot of them. With my sister, with some friends, with people I hardly met, with leaders. It's amazing.
It still weirds me out that God gives us His babies and trusts us enough to care for them, and raise them up- and I'm just the freakin' babysitter! Imagine what being the mom must be like! Holy crap!
And then- if I- who suck, and screw up, and am definitely NOT perfect, and can't even love right- feel this way about these beautiful children- and other people God has given me- how the crap does God feel about me? How much more does it hurt Him when I don't listen? How much more does it hurt Him when I'm hurt? How much more does He rejoice when I'm good? When He gets good reports from my teachers and "babysitters" and stuff. How much more does He love me?
This is the kind of stuff that makes my brain go wonky...but I like it.

Thank you, God, for loving me.

That's been my prayer for the last little while, and I really like it. I haven't really been the easiest person to love, and yet- here's God who loves me. He died for me. And He's making me more lovable by the second, and has sent me people who love me and are helping Him and...wow...my brain...going wonky. but seriously- think about it. Your brain'll go wonky too.

oh, by the way...
YOU DONT KNOW MEEEEeee...

Ha Ha! Another post!

I was walking down the street tonight and a lady was walking toward me going the opposite direction- obviously because she was coming toward me. I looked at her and then she looked down. Then back up again,so I smiled. And she smiled back. And said "hey beautiful."

It was probably one of the best things anyone has said to me in a long long time. And I knew that it was from God and He meant it. I guess maybe I'm not the fat kid anymore, but something else. Weird.

It's so funny to me that you can have a great day with one bad ten-minutes, and then when you look back on the day, it's viewed as one SUCKY day.
I recieved some tough news yesterday, but at the same time it was good news. Well, it was followed up with good news- sort of. I may have a jacked perspective, but hey, it's my perspective- so get off me. Now, if you're curious and want to know the news, you'll have to ask me, and then I will tell you. Maybe.
Now I've got this weird feeling inside. Almost empty. Almost full. Not sure how to feel. Is this what broken feels like? Like you want to crawl in bed and sleep for days. Like you want to keep on truckin'. Like you want to try harder than ever before. Like quitting. Like praying. Like letting someone hug you and hold you. Like being alone. Is this broken? Or is this just confused.
If it's broken, then, well- I must be broken.
I wonder when I'll be fixed.
That's another problem I have. (I'm sure when all you kids started reading this blob ya didn't think you'd have all these issues thrown at'cha. Welp, here ya go!)
Whenever I am dealing with something, I look ahead to find a solution instead of just walking through things. I want to remain positive, and see the bright side, and the light at the end of the tunnel, but that does nothing to help me learn from my mistakes. So, I need prayer that I just walk through this holding on to God's hand.
Yep, it's definitely time for me to walk. yeesh.
So, I hope all y'all lil killas have youselfs a good day! Bye bye!!