YOU DONT KNOW MEEEEeee

I am anonymous.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Dude- I love what God is doing! I love that He allows me to be a part of it! MORE, LORD!!

Sunday, March 19, 2006

It's funny the way life is. Today is a good day. Nothing can keep me down. Maybe when my friend called me "weeble" she was on to something. I may wobble- but I won't fall down! MAHAHA!...anyway...Jesus is amazing- and I had an awesome conversation with Brakes last night...and also with Linsey...and...uh...I think maybe I shouldn't blog when I feel like I'm losing it. But I don't know if that would be being transparent...and I would like to be transparent...Thank you Jesus for good days. Thank you for the strength to fight. Thank you for your truth! AMEN!

Thursday, March 16, 2006

I have come to the conclusion that...I am nothing special. I was not made to be an amazing public speaker. I'm not here to go out and change the world. I am just here.
I don't have any special talents, I can't do anything amazing. Pretty much- I'm loud. And no one likes that.
The only thing about me that's any good is the Jesus inside me. hooray for Him.
So I figure- why have I been wasting the past 2 years trying to be and do something I'm not? Why didn't I just take my acceptance into USF, my scholarship money and go there, get an education and then go get a job? Why do I insist on having ridiculous "dreams" that I know are just going to make me sound crazy...and won't happen anyway? What is it that made me think I could do something?
I don't know what to do next because I'm supposed to be going somewhere to do something that I can't do. I don't want to not go because- well, in telling people this it sounds like...I don't know like I want people to say "no! you're great...blahblahblah...Jesus has a plan for you!" And maybe that is what I want- but I don't think so. I think I just want to get these thoughts out of my head and say- this is where I'm at.
And then...oh man! It's like...I'm a failure (surprise,surprise) and that's ok with me. It's just that, last night we had to do something and I was a thousand percent against it and was pretty vocal about that- and then I realized that people would get annoyed with me and go to my mom and it would reflect badly on her. And I don't want my idiotic-ness to make anyone but me look bad...
I could go on...but it's probably way past time for me to shut up.

Friday, March 10, 2006

I was thinking- what makes life any better here? Here I am loved. There I am loved. Then it sort of hit me (of course, I'm still sort of working it out, so bear with me here-)
Here people are ok with surface-level relationships. There we are a community and are supposed to go to a deeper level. So when I'm here, I fit into the hole just fine at first because it's still that surface-level "so-how-ya-been" business and it isn't until later where it gets deeper. The problem comes in where I crave that deeper-levelness...but I don't even want to admit that to me, and so I want that love but I just feel it as though I'm missing something. And I am. But because I don't know exactly what it is I'm looking for, I don't know where to look. And if I were to realize it's that intimacy- then I wouldn't know how to do that anyway.
PLUS...am I willing to pour out all that's inside me and be all close to someone- and then allow them to pour at all there junk to me?
Yeah- I think so.
And when I look- the closeness I want, I have- really, I do. It's just a little hidden, but there are those little drips that if properly tapped into- well, they could be gushing springs. So...I guess what I'm saying is...is...I'm not sure.
Maybe here I feel safer because I am almost expected to be an idiot (idiot may not be the right word here) and so if I am one, it's ok. Although, I'm not one...but I'm not pushed or even expected to change and be more like Jesus and so while I don't feel like slacking and reverting to old ways I don't feel like a failure. It's like I went from being the one being dragged along to the one pulling people along. It's a pretty good feeling. Most of the time...
Until people don't want to hear about Jesus. People who are saved, and used to be the ones who you looked up to spiritually are now the ones who think you're crazy because...because of whatever. I don't know if it's wisdom I need...or to hold my tongue...or to just offend away. Who knows? But hey- I'm just going to keep being me. And working to be like Jesus. So that someday...maybe we'll be sort of like twins...

God- please make me more like you. Thank you for the double blessings today on double blessing friday. you're awesome. AMEN!

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

hmm...

people here expect me to be obnoxious. they expect me to drive them crazy. they think i cant cometo the office for a few hours without getting bored and driving everyone crazy. thank you lord for the oppurtunity to grow up. amen.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

I bet you didn't know...

"I was thinking that I might fly today, just to disprove all the things you say. It doesn't take a talent to be mean, your words can crush things that are unseen...so please be careful with me- I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way.
You always tell me that is impossible to be respected and be a girl. Why's it gotta be so complicated? Why you gotta tell me if I'm hated? So please be careful with me- I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way.
I was thinking that it might do some good if we robbed the cynics and took all their food...that way what they believe will have taken place and we can give it to people who have some faith...so please be careful with me, I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way.
I have this theory that if we're told we're bad then that's the only idea we'll ever have- but maybe if we are surrounded in beauty...someday we will become what we see...'cause anyone can start a conflict-it's harder yet to disregard it. I'd rather see the world from another angle. We are everyday angels.
Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way."

Words by...Jewel Kilcher. Punctuation by...me.