I was thinking- what makes life any better here? Here I am loved. There I am loved. Then it sort of hit me (of course, I'm still sort of working it out, so bear with me here-)
Here people are ok with surface-level relationships. There we are a community and are supposed to go to a deeper level. So when I'm here, I fit into the hole just fine at first because it's still that surface-level "so-how-ya-been" business and it isn't until later where it gets deeper. The problem comes in where I crave that deeper-levelness...but I don't even want to admit that to me, and so I want that love but I just feel it as though I'm missing something. And I am. But because I don't know exactly what it is I'm looking for, I don't know where to look. And if I were to realize it's that intimacy- then I wouldn't know how to do that anyway.
PLUS...am I willing to pour out all that's inside me and be all close to someone- and then allow them to pour at all there junk to me?
Yeah- I think so.
And when I look- the closeness I want, I have- really, I do. It's just a little hidden, but there are those little drips that if properly tapped into- well, they could be gushing springs. So...I guess what I'm saying is...is...I'm not sure.
Maybe here I feel safer because I am almost expected to be an idiot (idiot may not be the right word here) and so if I am one, it's ok. Although, I'm not one...but I'm not pushed or even expected to change and be more like Jesus and so while I don't feel like slacking and reverting to old ways I don't feel like a failure. It's like I went from being the one being dragged along to the one pulling people along. It's a pretty good feeling. Most of the time...
Until people don't want to hear about Jesus. People who are saved, and used to be the ones who you looked up to spiritually are now the ones who think you're crazy because...because of whatever. I don't know if it's wisdom I need...or to hold my tongue...or to just offend away. Who knows? But hey- I'm just going to keep being me. And working to be like Jesus. So that someday...maybe we'll be sort of like twins...

God- please make me more like you. Thank you for the double blessings today on double blessing friday. you're awesome. AMEN!