i thought i was done being frustrated and angry. but tonight i was. today my emotions got a little whacky at some points, and it's incredibly weird.
i was walking down the street when all of the sudden i basically had a panic attack. my insides completely flipped! i thought i was gunna flip on the outside, but the person i was with remained clueless. and i was serioulsy freaking. my heart was racing my stomach was all knotty and i thought i would throw up. when it finally passed i felt really weak, tired, and nervous. like i'd had a real panic attack.
then tonight i just kept getting frustrated. it sucked.
then i would get sort of sad.
then i tried to call my sister and i talked to my mom for a few minutes but she was too busy. and then when i finally got ahold of her my phone card ran out of minutes because it charged 20 minutes every phone call- which its totally not supposed to do. so then i wanted to scream and yell and punch something and cuss and throw the effing phone across the effing room and watch it shatter against the wall. and then i started to cry. but then i had to stop. i didnt want to. but i did.
and now i feel tired. and defeated.
ive been doing so well. am i still doing well? can you feel like this and still do well? i want to do well! i want a lot of things right now, actually.
i want to be able to talk to my mom without worrying about what time it is there and whether or not she's too busy or whether or not im boring her with my junk, and i want to be able to talk to my little sister and hear that shes doing ok without my phone card dying i want to be able to hang out with my brother and write stories and poems and sing songs at the top of my lungs as we drive around in his jeep and i want to hang out with my friends and make jokes and have fun and laugh. i want to be able to talk to all these people and know they arent too busy for me. to know they arent too busy to e-mail me back and to just hang our with them.
but, right now, i cant even afford another phone card to call my babysister and make sure shes ok.
my insides hurt, and my eyes are starting to burn as well as the back of my throat due to the tears that i cant seem to let go of.
please pray for me.