stop the world and let me off

I'm taking the day off today- I need a vacation
I've been straight-up going since march
and when I've stopped I stilled worried about what you're thinkin'
I babysat all weekend tomake some money-
I went three days just me and the kids and the diapers and cleanin'
cookin' meals, changin' clothes, countin'down hours til i was leavin
so i came home to takea break
but then you made a big deal about how you had to babysit that day
and today imstill tired- i had to lead cell
oh wait! she wontbe home?soim cookin too?
and i want to take anap and not feel like i have todo
but whenever i stop i think youre judging me-
oh look,she's just a slacker
whatmore could we expect? she's not contributing
thats crap! i pay rent, watch your kids and do ministry!
but hey- you just sit there and think that im not doing anything
that im the one who causes problems and just sees what i can take
i dont mind cause ive found one thing i want-
right now the onlything i have that i take is today

II don't know why I do this- no one reads my blob...and it's not like I would recommend it anyway...

Rap #3...i think...

It's night time- I can finally go to sleep
but there's this thought that's plaguing me
Yeah, for a few hours I can escape
but what about the morning?
I have to do this all again...
I have to show the world what an idiot I am-
I have to sit with people and be alone,
I have to feel- and hurt- and listen to them talk
and even though I'mhere,I know I'm not a part
or maybe I am, but the voices in myhead don't agree
and I'm tired of fighting to know who to be
it's frustrating and sucks, i dont know what to do
i wanna gotosleep, but then morning willcome
no, flurry, im not better this week than i was last week,
im not even better today than i was yesterday
im losing all hope for tomorrow
i know after the death comes the glory,
but i thought i had died already
this is nothing new,its the same old thing
and it only hurts again and again
and so nowi stay awake and watch tv
dreading the morning and who i am
man,i quit- no wait...i cant...

goodthing no one reads this...ppl may think im nuts...

did i mention that i want to be a rap star?

have you ever just wanted to quit and go home,
but you realize that place doesn'teven exist,
doesn't matter anyway because you couldn'tgo back,
not now that you know.
and no matter how hard you try,
you can't find the answers-
i guess that makes sense when you don't know the questions
and the voices are chatting it up in your mind
you can't tell who's who or what's what any time
so you get frustrated and you're searching for help
but the only people around make you question yourself
you question what you're hearing- if you're making it up
and then you get all tongue-tied and afraid to bring it up.
everyone's got an opinion,no one to listen
you feel like all you do in your mind is justify
and so here you are sitting in your melted resolve
trying to find te answers,when you still dont know the question
go home- no, moving on
ami just trying to run away?
does this mean that i should never have come?
you're running in circles,
you're dizzy and tired, but you have to keep going,
you must keep your balance
where is my strength? te one i rely on?
i dont even know Him- dont know which pillar to lean on
so the voices keep on chattering
im waiting for the silence
god, which one is you? what is the answer?
help me out of tis fuzzy gray confusion-
i know im going forward- there is something ahead-
wy do i feel as still as the dead?
sometimes i wanna quit and go home-
but then i remember
there's no where to go

i think uncle jesse is on ER...weird...

"through the eyes of a make-believe poet" aka: if i could rap...

Mama...
did you ever wonder why your child is a screw-up?
why you're the mother of the one who was never quite good enough?
did you ever wonder why your baby couldn't talk to you?
did you ever sit and think "what did i do?"?
did you ever wonder why you had to fall in love and marry the man that had to die?
did you ever wonder why you had a daddy was one of those guys?
those guys that loved the bottle more than his own family?
those guys who hit his wife and kids and then left them in the hell that he had created?
did you ever wonder if you had done something wrong?
if all of this was punishment?
Mama...
did you ever wonder what happened that got us here?
did you ever wonder what would have happened if i would have stayed there?
did you ever wonder if all of this was your fault?
did you ever sit and wonder where you went wrong?
when you look into your daughters eyes, that so often fill with tears
and you know of the struggle she goes through to keep her here
doyou ever wonder why she got where she is?
and tehn do you wonder how long she'll stay like this?
do you ever wonder why you even bothered?
or why you were so bothered?
Mama...
do you sit and think of the mistakes you'vemade?
or worse than that- the mistakes i've made?
do you wonder how i could belong to you??
do you wonder what it is i want out of life?
and wonder if i'll get it, or if i'll never try?
do you wonder what would have happened if i wasn't me?
do you wonder how different i'd have been if i had daddy?
do you think about when i was young and you had so many hopes and dreams
and then think that im a failure- because i cant even be me?
mama...
do you wonder what i think about? dream about?
do you wonder what i even know about?
mama, i know you love me. i know when you look at me you dont see my failings-
but i cant help but wonder...
what if i was different?
what if i wasn't me?
what if i was that kid who lived up to those hopes and dreams?

so, maybe it should be titled...no more staying up past midnight on the puter when you're really freakin' tired...

In 11th grade I took American History. It was a great class for 3 reasons:
1- history is easy- it already happened...so there's nothing to figure out...
2- gabe...i meant my brother...had the same teacher the year before; she liked him, therefore, she liked me...
3- student teacer who was genuinely interested in a) teacing and b) history (i think by "interested" i meant "passionate")
Anwya, the point is, the student teacher- I completely forget his name- made us write a poem about the Korean War. Mine was so good I got 5 extra points...so, in honor of "remembrance day""veteran's day"...or whatever day...this is what i writ...


Forgotten Soldier
They lie there in their shallow graves,
forgotten-all alonejust another number,
one less soldier coming home.
They crawled-they fought
through rain
through sleet
through snow
trenches, bombs, silent prayers
soldiers bathed in reddened mud
fallen bodies on the ground.
they fought-they died
both our comrades and our foes
now they lie there in their shallow graves
forgotten-all alone
just another number,
one less soldier coming home.

Wow- long time no postys. Hmmm...
I making tea. Turns out- I like plain old tea- with sugar and cinnamon it it...

I just noticed how much I either think about the past andhow I mis the way things were- or I think about tomorrow and how things will be, ior how I'd like them to be. I forget to live in today.

I used to ask which is more biblical- to "be a good steward" and save and be prepared for tomorrow...or to live in today,and not worry about what tomorrow will bring...I decided that I wanted to live in today...so now I just have to do that...ok.I'm done.