So I was growing. I was like- that grass stuff you plant when you're little that grows a lot really fast- and you put it in a cup and draw a smiley-face so the grass is hair...anyway...then all of the sudden the growth stopped. It was like, people came back and I just couldn't be me. But then I sort of pushed through and came out of it alive. THEN everything changed. We had a whirl-wind two weeks where everything was thrown into chaos and everyone was basically a jerk to everyone and rather than saying "yes, actually I have been doing stuff, thank anyway" I reverted back to the old me where I said "yeah, well- I'm not helping because, pfft...who's gunna make me?"
Yes, that's exactly the way to make people realize you ARE doing your part to help out. NOT!
Then we kind of caught up, new students arrived and BAM! Attitude went WOOSH! BANG! And hit the floor.
So I went from grass to my brothers hairline. And it sucks.
The past few days have sort of sucked. I don't know exactly what's up, but I'm sure part of it is a) im getting old and b) im leaving. So, I've basically chilled in my room and done jack. I mean, I've done stuff, but not all that much. I don't like it.
I don't like not having things to do.
I don't like shrinking.
I don't like receding.
I want to grow! God, please help me to grow! Help me to continue on the path you've laid out for me and that I claim to choose. Make my feet start awalkin' again! Thank you! amen!

Good night.

if i was a poet...

i would write poetry. deep thoughts by (insert name here). haha! but seriously...

i was going through an old notebook (just now) and found this: i wrote it march 4, 2004- which is about 2 weeks after applying for TWC and aout a month before being accepted.

"how far would i go for God? i dont know. i would like to say "all the way" but all the way where? to canada? to the projects in chicago? to antigua? to death? to torture? where will i follow him? if i can barely talk about god at school, where am i headed? save those close to me- then move out. set them on fire. then move out.
who do i love more? me? or god? god is the answer i should give w/o hesitation. but is it the honest truth? i would hope so. what can i give up for him? soda? tried it. chocolate? tried it. what can i do w/o so i could have more of him? what well i not sacrifice? i should be willing to be stripped of everything i own and still be able to go out into the world and work for him. am i even able to go out and work for him?!?!
what means more to me than jesus? i keep asking me- what will i give up for god. maybe i should step back and examine the things i love (ot hate) that make me me.
FRIENDS: would i be willing to take 1 hr. that i usually spend with friends to pray, meditate and read my bible?
INTERNET: this goes hand0in-hand with friends- could i take some internet time and use it to worship god?
CHURCH: ok- weird choice, but am i here for me? god? other people? would i be willing to spend my hours @ church w/god and not the people here?
Everything comes back to friends. do i need to take them out of my life more? or bring god into our relationships more? lets try god first."

and this was my prayer: "God- help me, ok? thanks."

So, those were the thoughts of a 17 yr old senior in high school 2-and-a-half months before grad. haha!

I want to move. I have the faith to pack up, change countries (somewhat illegally) and trust God that everything will work out. But I can't even tell you whether I'm hearing God on this move- or if it's just me.
I have a bias- I want to go. It feels right. It feels good. I can totally see it working. But, at the same time while staying seems somewhat awkward and scary, it still feels right, and I can see it working.
I'm trying to stay away for "pro/con" lists because those aren't really listening. Unless God says: make a list and weigh your options.
So, I don't know. I don't want to say it's God- because what if I'm wrong? I just want someone else to tell me.
It's funny, because someone in leadership told me I was messing with their heads- which is what I said about him everytime this place was mentioned.
Oh, and another thing- why would I e-mail leadership for a "go ahead" if I'm not hearing I'm supposed to go? Especially when I've somewhat committed to more time here? Weird...
So- please pray for me to get a straight answer that I know is from God. No question. Only- I think this may be a learning curve to just step out in faith and listen. Yikes.
But if God tells you where I'm supposed to live, please let me know!
(It's also weird because I've been somewhat "released" by some friends, who think it's where I'm to be. So...time to break out the "is it God" checklist!"
1) does it feel right?
2) is it confirmed in the body?
3) do you want to do it?
4) is the way paved?
5) am i ready to submit more to God?
yes; sort of; yes; i think so; yes, i believe i am.

Ok, the end!

things never seem so big in the morning. ever. i guess thats why people tell you to "sleep on it" when trying out a matress and making big decisions. why dont they tell you that in writing blobs? but i guess thats not very transparent- to sleep on things before letting them out...
anyway, things are brighter today. maybe they'll suck again tonight. maybe they'll be good tonight. who knows.
its our last weekend before classes start and a schedule i have to follow is put in place. i kind of liked making my own schedule. it made it WAY easier to look like i did nothing when, in fact, i was working my butt off. and i actually did stuff. i didnt have to be assigned to things. which is cool. but hey, a schedule will be fun. and with my life- it shouldnt get too monotonous. (thats when i change things up like...feed the kids a lot of sugar...dyed red...ha!)
ok...the end.

i think something is wrong with me. seriously. wrong. i dont know who to talk to...other than god...and i dont even know if something is wrong. i may just be whining about nothing. or maybe trying to get attention. or maybe i am under attack. but then again, maybe its just me.
i dont know who to talk to because the one person i want to talk to doesnt listen- which is my fault because when she finally does i chicken out of whatever and say "hi". and anyone else i have a voice saying theyre too busy, or have enough on their plate, or...whatthecrapever.
i feel like im losing my mind. and its scary. some times the thinks i think scare me. and...well...thats not normal. crap.

so...please pray for me. a lot. and talk to me. maybe. ok. thanks. and...god knows me, even though you dont.