I was talking to my mom tonight- and it was cool. I like talking to my mom. She might come up here to Vancouver (along with the rest of the fam) at Christmas- if that's when I am released to go. Haha!
So, that'll be cool. God, PLEASE let it happen!

I would like to have something profound to say- but there's nothing tonight. I guess I could share in some of my recent struggles- those seem to be a real kicker around here...

i used to have this whole problem where i didn't want to exist. Not that i wished i was dead, or that i never did exist- but for the time being, until i was ready, i just didn't want to exist. i've been experiencing the same thing again lately. i don't want to leave my room. i don't want to be around people. but i don't want to be alone. i want to be fun and normal- but i want to say things to hurt, or at least grab people's attention. and at the same time i just want to not exist. it's confusing, and weird.
i feel like i can't keep going, and that i'm falling back into...whatever i was. and that i'm once again just biding my time. i don't care, but i do. i can't be bothered to do anything, but i want to do things.
i'm definitely feeling the struggle between the "old me" and the "new me"- and it's more painful than the struggle to become the "new me." it's like- i knew there was more, and that i was putting up a front...and once i began to let that front be torn down and removed, it was great. but now- i think i'm feeling the backlash of old habits trying to kick back in. and i don't like it.
i think one of the toughest parts about this whole ordeal is that- it's not so much a struggle at the time, i just give in to whoever is loudest, and it's in retrospect i see the struggle. and because it's so internal and invisible- it's hard to ask for prayer- or even talk about it- without feeling as though im blowing things way out of proportion.

so...thats where im at...

My thoughts on anointing feet at grad:

It was kind of scary because when you sat down and were anointed, there was a huge puddle of oil under your feet and a pile of greasey footprints in front of you. Just looking at them I could see how easy it would be to slip in fall in someone else's greasey prints.

Funny, I know.

I don't dance. I don't like to dance. I don't even know if I can dance, because I've never honestly tried. I know some of the world's worst dancers have a lot of fun, but I have a lot of fear that surrounds dancing. It's not really all that great.
God has been telling me for some time now to dance, and I know that if I would just be abandoned and dance- things would change. I would know a deeper freedom and a deeper love and a deeper intimacy- but I still won't dance.
I am afraid of what others think. I don't even want people to think I'm having a powerful spiritual experience- or anything like that. I don't want people to think that I finally surrendered and danced. It's a fight that's killing me, and I still won't give in. I don't get it.
I realize that my dancing won't really be such a huge topic-of-conversation around here, that it's not about me and people are watching me to see if I'm singing or dancing or sitting on my bum doing nothing- but...still.
So, I would like to be recklessly abandoned. To be completely dead to me. Please pray for strength, humility, and courage.

God, give me the strength to give the last bits of me to you. My voice, my speech, my thoughts, my movements...and give me the humility to not mind being humiliated for you. Give me the courage to strip down and dance- not literally strip, though, please- but to lay aside things that keep my feet from jigging and my arms from raising and my hands from clapping and to dance! And give me rhythm and teach me to dance! Thank you for your love and patience- and for my broken foot which can be my excuse for bad dancing. HAHA! I love you! AMEN!

they dug through the trash and found two sturdy boards
quickly they nailed them together
upon further searching they found 3 long and rusty nails
which were immediately pocketed.
they attached a small board as a sort of taunting foot-rest
just a bit out of the man's reach
together the two strong men struggled under the weight
as they carried the cross to their prisoner
stripped of his clothes, beaten until he could hardly breathe
they dressed him in shame and humiliation
they handed the cross to him and laughed as he struggled beneath the weight
already a dead-man walking.
thick crowds began to form to see the glory of the king
but as he passed they didnt recognize him
they saw a dirty, bleeding man, so they showered him with spit.
struggling to carry his heavy load he stumbled up the rocky hill
a man came and helped him- together they carried the cross
3 rusty nails pierced the Prisoner that day
and He was raised up where all could see Him
again He was stripped and they gambled for His clothes
He asked for a drink and they gave Him a vinegar soaked sponge
and He cried out "forgive them."
again they taunted Him telling Him to prove Himself telling Him to come down
it was your crap that nailed Him to the cross that day
but it was your face that kept Him there.
sure He could have come down, proven Himself then and there
but He died- when the earth went dark and the curtain ripped
He breathed His last-
at least for 3 days when He overcame death and conquered hell and took the devil's keys.

I decided to write a book. Another book. A book that I plan on finishing. But what book have I ever started that I don't plan on finishing? It's sad. I want to finish. But I don't. I guess it's because it doesn't really matter if I don't. If I wait too long I lose all inspiration. If I go too long, I lose all point. But this one will be different. Bug me about it. Next time you see me, ask me how it's coming along. If I say badly, encourage me to finish. I want to finish.
The book is about lies of the enemy. Because there aren't enough of them out there already, I know. But I figure, why not write about something I know? Y'know?
My goal is to be done by August 17th. I started the book yesterday. I'm on page 6. This should be interesting. Haha.

The other day I was talking to a friend (who does know me) and we were talking about WarriorAcademy. I was telling her that next year we should change things up and have fun day randomly during the week- that way we don't get stuck with the same McDeal meal every week.
Then I got totalking, and when I talk I say stuff that when I think about later I can almost convince myself of. I've decided- I think I'm goingto write a book of my theories. I have a lot of them. And also, a book about lies from the enemy. I'll get started on those after I finish the book I'm currently working on. Anyhoo...
So I was talking, and I wasn't thinking, words were just coming out my mouth, and I was saying that making an exact schedule for kids every day is ridiculous. We say that children thrive when they have a specific agenda every day- but I've never really seen it. Plus, then there's the fact that it gets disrupted all the time by things out of our control- and so excuses begin to form around misbahavior, rather than discipline. We say "they just haven't gotten back into the routine" rather than, "I'm not going to tell you more than once."
I then began to think ahead, about school and how everyday there was a daily schedule on the board, and life was all planned out- and it sucked!
I started to realize that we- as adults- hate change because as 2, 3 and 4 year olds the adults then found it necessary to keep us inside a little box. We suck at thinking on our toes, and dealing with things as they come up because they don't fit into our little day-planner in which every minute is penciled out.

Now, I'm not against organization, or schedule, because you have to know whats going on- but a daily routine? I mean, seriously!

I like puppies. Little mexican puppies. They're SOOO cute! (don't tell anyone I said that, though.)
Later- for lunch- I think I'm going to eat a tofu hotdog. Sounds delicious, doesn't it? I don't actually have anything to say.
I watched Bring It On Again last night, and Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, and this morning I watched Banger Sisters and tomorrow I'm going to see the Traveling Pants movie and Herbie...and I still have to watch the other 2 movies we rented ("we" being me and another person whom you don't know...) which are Sleepover and 8 Mile. Yes, we're cool, I know. I'm sure after seeing our taste in movies you totally want to be our new best friend. Ok, go for it!
Y'know, I'm starting to realize that blobs like this aren't going to turn this thing into a "must-read" but, hey, not blobbing doesn't help either! So...I guess it's a lose lose situation.
I started readingthe bible again, I want to finish by August1- I'm in leviticus somewhere. I may finish. I don't know, yet, whether Aug. 1 is a definite goal- or a tentative goal. Either way...I should be reading not blobbing. So...this is good bye. For now.
Good bye! For now.