I was talking to my mom tonight- and it was cool. I like talking to my mom. She might come up here to Vancouver (along with the rest of the fam) at Christmas- if that's when I am released to go. Haha!
So, that'll be cool. God, PLEASE let it happen!

I would like to have something profound to say- but there's nothing tonight. I guess I could share in some of my recent struggles- those seem to be a real kicker around here...

i used to have this whole problem where i didn't want to exist. Not that i wished i was dead, or that i never did exist- but for the time being, until i was ready, i just didn't want to exist. i've been experiencing the same thing again lately. i don't want to leave my room. i don't want to be around people. but i don't want to be alone. i want to be fun and normal- but i want to say things to hurt, or at least grab people's attention. and at the same time i just want to not exist. it's confusing, and weird.
i feel like i can't keep going, and that i'm falling back into...whatever i was. and that i'm once again just biding my time. i don't care, but i do. i can't be bothered to do anything, but i want to do things.
i'm definitely feeling the struggle between the "old me" and the "new me"- and it's more painful than the struggle to become the "new me." it's like- i knew there was more, and that i was putting up a front...and once i began to let that front be torn down and removed, it was great. but now- i think i'm feeling the backlash of old habits trying to kick back in. and i don't like it.
i think one of the toughest parts about this whole ordeal is that- it's not so much a struggle at the time, i just give in to whoever is loudest, and it's in retrospect i see the struggle. and because it's so internal and invisible- it's hard to ask for prayer- or even talk about it- without feeling as though im blowing things way out of proportion.

so...thats where im at...