and as the brilliant yellow m&m says in that one amazing commercial with all the passing out..."[s]he does exist!"
i thought tonight i would share a poem. i think it's soooo frickin' funny that online i can call it a poem- but out loud, it must be a song...or just something i wrote...poetry sounds so...something to me. like i have feelings or some such thing. (i think ive said this shiz before so one with my blahblahblahing)
now- dont hold me to this, it's probably not at all accurate...and on the one hand i get that it's not up to me, or about me...it's all jesus...but, seriously...this is where im at...

their blood is on my hands.
i chose that fate
when i decided to be shamed before the world
by picking up my cross
to be crucified next to You.
"their sin is My sin.
their pain, My pain.
their death, My death."
but then You turned around and conquered death
so that we all might Live.
i've yet to conquer death.
i face it every day.
i hear about children dying,
i see their faces in my head.
am i still alive
so that they may have the chance to live?
and what if i don't want to be the one
who is held responsible in the end?
when You say
"I was hungry, naked and exposed"
why can't i say
"i didn't see You.
i gave my ten percent.
i donated to charity.
i was a good person.
i Lived a good Life..."
why do i feel that in order for You to eat,
somedays i must go hungry?
for You to be clothed,
somedays i will be naked?
for You to be sheltered,
somedays i will be exposed?
i'm excited, though.
about when i'm called to account.
i want to see a sea
of faces
that are there because i chose to die.
i want our final place of eternal worship
to be crowded with the Living.
i don't want to face a roomful
of too-soon dead.
my blood is on Your hands.
my cross is on my back.
let's go ahead and get this done.
the pain, the humiliation
because i just want to Live.
i'm dying to Live-
so that others might also Live.

...okay...so it's a work in progress. i doubt i'll do anything to change it...but hey, whatever. it is what it is as with most things i do...

And just when we all think I've either died or forgotten my password or...worse...ran out of things to say!
I'm thinking...I'm a girl. (Oh crap! I shouldn't let that out! Now people will try to think they know meeee!) And my sisters are girls. Like, girls. They do the whole purse, shoe, clothes thing. I don't. But I own a lot of clothes. And jackets. And shoes. And...shocking...bags.
As much as "i don't care" I kind of like to look...decent. In my own skewed not-so-decent sort of way, of course. And I am starting to wonder. Do I want to be that girl? That girl with 46 pairs of shoes? Or even 14? (I think that's how many I have!) Do I want to be that girl with all the bags? I have like...however many, but I make excuses. I even go with the matching factor. But I'm like, why not two? A backpack and a messanger bag. And maybe my over-the-shoulder bag.
I really want to have like...a suitcase. One suitcase full of stuff. That's it. Not 87 plus some boxes and some other crap. Y'know?
So I'm going to get rid of my things. I don't want all that stuff to decorate my dresser or night stand. I just want to have my clothes. I want to have my shoes. 2 pair. My black ones and my cons. I'll have to pick between high-top and low...
Anyway. Then I look at my mountains of stuff, and I love it. I love my stuff. I hate it and I love it.
I would like to, just once, have something where I can make a decision and not be torn. Too too torn. Boo!

a letter to my mama...which she'll probably never read...

Mama-
The way I figure it- you did a good job raising me. It couldn't have been easy. I wasn't the nicest kid. But I like how I grew up on broke food- you know, mac'n'cheese- but good stuff too. I like that I had what I needed, most of what I wanted- but not everything. You did pretty good preparing me for now...only, I think you forgot some things...
You showed me how to stretch food and make it last- but you also reminded me to make extra in case someone hungry shows up. You taught me to save my money, but also to give freely when people are in need. You taught me to be reserved- but to love extravagantly...but still...there are a few things...
Like...you never taught me to fight, or how to throw a good punch. You never taught me that if someone hits me- hit back, but it's just better to hit first. You never taught me to take what I want. You never taught me what a gun sounds like and where to run when I see or hear one. You never taught me how to properly cut someone- you never even taught me how to work a switchblade or told me to carry one. You never taught me what my colors are- whether I'm a fan of the red or a fan of the blue. You didn't tell me if I was 5 point or 6.
I guess with having 4 kids you got a little busy?
That's ok, though. Thanks for never teaching me that. Because now I know another way...

Sometimes I feel like I can do anything. And sometimes, I feel like I can do nothing. Sometimes I feel like I am doing well. Once, someone told me I was doing well. I think that's one of the best words of encouragement I've ever received. Sometimes, I don't even know how I managed to get myself out of bed and dressed. I feel like I know exactly how and what and where I am...sometimes. Other times it's amazing to me that I know my name.
It's funny how you don't know me. It's funny, because I don't know me. I perceive me one way. You perceive me another. My mama is always quick to tell me- perception is reality.
I don't know...but I believe you're right and I'm wrong. But then I want to believe I'm right and you're wrong. But then...I don't know.
I try to ask Jesus, but I'm not sure because I don't know if I'm just hearing what I want to hear...
So I just wait til I feel like I can do anything again. (the good news is...these ups and downs aren't like...3 weeks long...it changes every few minutes and then balances for awhile. I'm not crazy- I swear.)

it's so weird how life changes. yesterday i realized i hadn't talked to my li'l sister in almost 2 months. and that i will see my fam for like...2 weeks (where we'll all be extremely busy) before i move again. seriously move again. like- all my shiz in boxes and a u-haul (or minivan, wutev) and am gone. and i wont see them again until christmas. its kind of sad how that happens.
how did i become so old that i see my family once or twice a year? oh man...
of course, its not so far now bc i can call them whenev what with living in america...
and i have to get a job. its not that im anti-work. i dont mind working. seriously. i dont. its the whole...structuredness i dont like. the schedule thing. the having to go and request time off and not being able to just get of whenev. so i need to write a book. will do that right now. then i can make a bunch of dollars and i wont have to work. good plan. jeez.
the end.

accidently saved as draft...used to be true...

H keeps bugging me to post on here. And so I am...

Tomorrow is Father's Day. Sucks. I was thinking- hmm...how far have I come in 7 years? Would he even recognize me? Would he be proud of me? What would my daddy say to me? What would I say to him? And all that got me thinking even more...and then almost crying. Which I didn't want to do alone. So now...I'm sad. But not alone. Well, alone inside my thoughts, but around people where I can act out and they can be annoyed with me.

Grr...I don't know what to do...

Anyway...I was going to write something to exprss my emotions...but I figure, I've written something. And it's pretty much how I feel. I am, however, changing the ending...

big bear hugs
night time prayers
goodmorning kisses
rides to school
gas station stops
whispering "I love you"
screaming "i hate you"
saying goodmorning
saying goodnight,
saying hello,
and saying goodbye
no more big bear hugs
no more night time prayers
no more good morning kisses
no more gas station stops
no more whispering "i love you"
no more screaming "i hate you"
no more saying goodmorning
no more saying hello
i don't want to say goodbye...

[just one last goodbye.]<--original ending...

I know a guy. He loved a girl. She loved him. Now they are not together. Things just didn't work out. This friend of mine has no one. His dad thinks him worthless and often tells him. His mom- she feels the same. His sister is far away. She loves him. Anyone who ever thought he could change has since given up on him. And while they all say "no, I think he could" they end it with "he just won't." He often heard he wasn't good enough for this girl. Everyone said so. It must be true then. And what with owrds having power- it became true. The more people said he lied to her, the more he began to. She loved him, though. This girl was young. Too young to take on this boy. It was too much. She was too serious with him. He does need to change. I believe he will. But he's broken. There is no one to fix him. He won't let love in easily. I don't think she was wrong. I just don't want him to end up like so many say he will. He's not hopeless. He's not crazy. He's not "not good enough." He's a child of God. He is loved. He has a purpose...He's 20...there are so many places he could go...so many places he's been...
Please say a prayer for this guy.