a letter to my mama...which she'll probably never read...

Mama-
The way I figure it- you did a good job raising me. It couldn't have been easy. I wasn't the nicest kid. But I like how I grew up on broke food- you know, mac'n'cheese- but good stuff too. I like that I had what I needed, most of what I wanted- but not everything. You did pretty good preparing me for now...only, I think you forgot some things...
You showed me how to stretch food and make it last- but you also reminded me to make extra in case someone hungry shows up. You taught me to save my money, but also to give freely when people are in need. You taught me to be reserved- but to love extravagantly...but still...there are a few things...
Like...you never taught me to fight, or how to throw a good punch. You never taught me that if someone hits me- hit back, but it's just better to hit first. You never taught me to take what I want. You never taught me what a gun sounds like and where to run when I see or hear one. You never taught me how to properly cut someone- you never even taught me how to work a switchblade or told me to carry one. You never taught me what my colors are- whether I'm a fan of the red or a fan of the blue. You didn't tell me if I was 5 point or 6.
I guess with having 4 kids you got a little busy?
That's ok, though. Thanks for never teaching me that. Because now I know another way...

Sometimes I feel like I can do anything. And sometimes, I feel like I can do nothing. Sometimes I feel like I am doing well. Once, someone told me I was doing well. I think that's one of the best words of encouragement I've ever received. Sometimes, I don't even know how I managed to get myself out of bed and dressed. I feel like I know exactly how and what and where I am...sometimes. Other times it's amazing to me that I know my name.
It's funny how you don't know me. It's funny, because I don't know me. I perceive me one way. You perceive me another. My mama is always quick to tell me- perception is reality.
I don't know...but I believe you're right and I'm wrong. But then I want to believe I'm right and you're wrong. But then...I don't know.
I try to ask Jesus, but I'm not sure because I don't know if I'm just hearing what I want to hear...
So I just wait til I feel like I can do anything again. (the good news is...these ups and downs aren't like...3 weeks long...it changes every few minutes and then balances for awhile. I'm not crazy- I swear.)