YOU DONT KNOW MEEEEeee

2007-04-07T19:08:00.000-07:00

and as the brilliant yellow m&m says in that one amazing commercial with all the passing out..."[s]he does exist!"
i thought tonight i would share a poem. i think it's soooo frickin' funny that online i can call it a poem- but out loud, it must be a song...or just something i wrote...poetry sounds so...something to me. like i have feelings or some such thing. (i think ive said this shiz before so one with my blahblahblahing)
now- dont hold me to this, it's probably not at all accurate...and on the one hand i get that it's not up to me, or about me...it's all jesus...but, seriously...this is where im at...

their blood is on my hands.
i chose that fate
when i decided to be shamed before the world
by picking up my cross
to be crucified next to You.
"their sin is My sin.
their pain, My pain.
their death, My death."
but then You turned around and conquered death
so that we all might Live.
i've yet to conquer death.
i face it every day.
i hear about children dying,
i see their faces in my head.
am i still alive
so that they may have the chance to live?
and what if i don't want to be the one
who is held responsible in the end?
when You say
"I was hungry, naked and exposed"
why can't i say
"i didn't see You.
i gave my ten percent.
i donated to charity.
i was a good person.
i Lived a good Life..."
why do i feel that in order for You to eat,
somedays i must go hungry?
for You to be clothed,
somedays i will be naked?
for You to be sheltered,
somedays i will be exposed?
i'm excited, though.
about when i'm called to account.
i want to see a sea
of faces
that are there because i chose to die.
i want our final place of eternal worship
to be crowded with the Living.
i don't want to face a roomful
of too-soon dead.
my blood is on Your hands.
my cross is on my back.
let's go ahead and get this done.
the pain, the humiliation
because i just want to Live.
i'm dying to Live-
so that others might also Live.

...okay...so it's a work in progress. i doubt i'll do anything to change it...but hey, whatever. it is what it is as with most things i do...

2007-02-01T19:33:00.000-08:00

And just when we all think I've either died or forgotten my password or...worse...ran out of things to say!
I'm thinking...I'm a girl. (Oh crap! I shouldn't let that out! Now people will try to think they know meeee!) And my sisters are girls. Like, girls. They do the whole purse, shoe, clothes thing. I don't. But I own a lot of clothes. And jackets. And shoes. And...shocking...bags.
As much as "i don't care" I kind of like to look...decent. In my own skewed not-so-decent sort of way, of course. And I am starting to wonder. Do I want to be that girl? That girl with 46 pairs of shoes? Or even 14? (I think that's how many I have!) Do I want to be that girl with all the bags? I have like...however many, but I make excuses. I even go with the matching factor. But I'm like, why not two? A backpack and a messanger bag. And maybe my over-the-shoulder bag.
I really want to have like...a suitcase. One suitcase full of stuff. That's it. Not 87 plus some boxes and some other crap. Y'know?
So I'm going to get rid of my things. I don't want all that stuff to decorate my dresser or night stand. I just want to have my clothes. I want to have my shoes. 2 pair. My black ones and my cons. I'll have to pick between high-top and low...
Anyway. Then I look at my mountains of stuff, and I love it. I love my stuff. I hate it and I love it.
I would like to, just once, have something where I can make a decision and not be torn. Too too torn. Boo!

a letter to my mama...which she'll probably never read...

2006-09-25T17:28:00.000-07:00

Mama-
The way I figure it- you did a good job raising me. It couldn't have been easy. I wasn't the nicest kid. But I like how I grew up on broke food- you know, mac'n'cheese- but good stuff too. I like that I had what I needed, most of what I wanted- but not everything. You did pretty good preparing me for now...only, I think you forgot some things...
You showed me how to stretch food and make it last- but you also reminded me to make extra in case someone hungry shows up. You taught me to save my money, but also to give freely when people are in need. You taught me to be reserved- but to love extravagantly...but still...there are a few things...
Like...you never taught me to fight, or how to throw a good punch. You never taught me that if someone hits me- hit back, but it's just better to hit first. You never taught me to take what I want. You never taught me what a gun sounds like and where to run when I see or hear one. You never taught me how to properly cut someone- you never even taught me how to work a switchblade or told me to carry one. You never taught me what my colors are- whether I'm a fan of the red or a fan of the blue. You didn't tell me if I was 5 point or 6.
I guess with having 4 kids you got a little busy?
That's ok, though. Thanks for never teaching me that. Because now I know another way...

2006-09-01T07:12:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I can do anything. And sometimes, I feel like I can do nothing. Sometimes I feel like I am doing well. Once, someone told me I was doing well. I think that's one of the best words of encouragement I've ever received. Sometimes, I don't even know how I managed to get myself out of bed and dressed. I feel like I know exactly how and what and where I am...sometimes. Other times it's amazing to me that I know my name.
It's funny how you don't know me. It's funny, because I don't know me. I perceive me one way. You perceive me another. My mama is always quick to tell me- perception is reality.
I don't know...but I believe you're right and I'm wrong. But then I want to believe I'm right and you're wrong. But then...I don't know.
I try to ask Jesus, but I'm not sure because I don't know if I'm just hearing what I want to hear...
So I just wait til I feel like I can do anything again. (the good news is...these ups and downs aren't like...3 weeks long...it changes every few minutes and then balances for awhile. I'm not crazy- I swear.)

2006-07-15T20:17:00.000-07:00

it's so weird how life changes. yesterday i realized i hadn't talked to my li'l sister in almost 2 months. and that i will see my fam for like...2 weeks (where we'll all be extremely busy) before i move again. seriously move again. like- all my shiz in boxes and a u-haul (or minivan, wutev) and am gone. and i wont see them again until christmas. its kind of sad how that happens.
how did i become so old that i see my family once or twice a year? oh man...
of course, its not so far now bc i can call them whenev what with living in america...
and i have to get a job. its not that im anti-work. i dont mind working. seriously. i dont. its the whole...structuredness i dont like. the schedule thing. the having to go and request time off and not being able to just get of whenev. so i need to write a book. will do that right now. then i can make a bunch of dollars and i wont have to work. good plan. jeez.
the end.

accidently saved as draft...used to be true...

2006-06-17T16:46:00.000-07:00

H keeps bugging me to post on here. And so I am...

Tomorrow is Father's Day. Sucks. I was thinking- hmm...how far have I come in 7 years? Would he even recognize me? Would he be proud of me? What would my daddy say to me? What would I say to him? And all that got me thinking even more...and then almost crying. Which I didn't want to do alone. So now...I'm sad. But not alone. Well, alone inside my thoughts, but around people where I can act out and they can be annoyed with me.

Grr...I don't know what to do...

Anyway...I was going to write something to exprss my emotions...but I figure, I've written something. And it's pretty much how I feel. I am, however, changing the ending...

big bear hugs
night time prayers
goodmorning kisses
rides to school
gas station stops
whispering "I love you"
screaming "i hate you"
saying goodmorning
saying goodnight,
saying hello,
and saying goodbye
no more big bear hugs
no more night time prayers
no more good morning kisses
no more gas station stops
no more whispering "i love you"
no more screaming "i hate you"
no more saying goodmorning
no more saying hello
i don't want to say goodbye...

[just one last goodbye.]<--original ending...

2006-04-24T18:22:00.000-07:00

I know a guy. He loved a girl. She loved him. Now they are not together. Things just didn't work out. This friend of mine has no one. His dad thinks him worthless and often tells him. His mom- she feels the same. His sister is far away. She loves him. Anyone who ever thought he could change has since given up on him. And while they all say "no, I think he could" they end it with "he just won't." He often heard he wasn't good enough for this girl. Everyone said so. It must be true then. And what with owrds having power- it became true. The more people said he lied to her, the more he began to. She loved him, though. This girl was young. Too young to take on this boy. It was too much. She was too serious with him. He does need to change. I believe he will. But he's broken. There is no one to fix him. He won't let love in easily. I don't think she was wrong. I just don't want him to end up like so many say he will. He's not hopeless. He's not crazy. He's not "not good enough." He's a child of God. He is loved. He has a purpose...He's 20...there are so many places he could go...so many places he's been...
Please say a prayer for this guy.

2006-04-11T00:50:00.000-07:00

Exhausted. It's what I am. That and brilliant. Of course. This is totally my second all-nighter in less than a week. Last Tuesday night and tonight. Hooray. I'm hoping I will be able to stay awake until I get to the airport through my first flight and then until I get on my second plane because...well...the flight is super long. Like four-and-a-half hours! And then there's the bus ride. Which is another 3 1/2. So that means I can sleep for about 8 hours. Which should keep me awake enough. That and the crazy excitement about being home! One of my joys of flying is...God speaks to me a lot on planes. That is- when I listen. Of course some of it is some ridiculous cornball things...but hey...I need to brush my teeth...but I burnt my tongue...and it hurts...and I'm going to be home in 15 1/2 hours. hooray!

Good Question-

2006-04-04T05:09:00.000-07:00

That's a good question- what is God doing...I don't actually remember what it was that I was so excited about when I wrote that Blog...but I can think of somethings that God is doing...That week I spent a lot of time with an old friend. My friend and I became friends because we had some common interests (ie- buffy) This friend of mine struggles with her relationship with God, getting into wicca, cutting...and some other things. She was a very emotion-driver person, who didn't really care about her attitude towards things and other people and just wanted things to go her way. She made lots of plans but never really acted on them. My friend applied for War College in Charlotte. She loves God. He's all she talks about (with me...) She is making crazy plans to move to New York and win that city. She's a completely different girl...she shows me the amazing-ness of God. The other day I was asked another good question- what is God saying- and I've never been really good at answering this question because I don't know if I listen all that much. But then I was listening enough to have an answer- but once again...I'm stuck. I think it's because my life is pretty good right now. I don't feel crushed, or alone, or anything bad. Sometimes I feel a little bored...but that's about it. So while I still pray and talk to God- I don't think I'm used to really hearing His voice in the good times...although, I did ask Him why I get so obsessed with things so easily...

2006-03-22T19:29:00.000-08:00

Dude- I love what God is doing! I love that He allows me to be a part of it! MORE, LORD!!

2006-03-19T10:50:00.000-08:00

It's funny the way life is. Today is a good day. Nothing can keep me down. Maybe when my friend called me "weeble" she was on to something. I may wobble- but I won't fall down! MAHAHA!...anyway...Jesus is amazing- and I had an awesome conversation with Brakes last night...and also with Linsey...and...uh...I think maybe I shouldn't blog when I feel like I'm losing it. But I don't know if that would be being transparent...and I would like to be transparent...Thank you Jesus for good days. Thank you for the strength to fight. Thank you for your truth! AMEN!

2006-03-16T08:08:00.000-08:00

I have come to the conclusion that...I am nothing special. I was not made to be an amazing public speaker. I'm not here to go out and change the world. I am just here.
I don't have any special talents, I can't do anything amazing. Pretty much- I'm loud. And no one likes that.
The only thing about me that's any good is the Jesus inside me. hooray for Him.
So I figure- why have I been wasting the past 2 years trying to be and do something I'm not? Why didn't I just take my acceptance into USF, my scholarship money and go there, get an education and then go get a job? Why do I insist on having ridiculous "dreams" that I know are just going to make me sound crazy...and won't happen anyway? What is it that made me think I could do something?
I don't know what to do next because I'm supposed to be going somewhere to do something that I can't do. I don't want to not go because- well, in telling people this it sounds like...I don't know like I want people to say "no! you're great...blahblahblah...Jesus has a plan for you!" And maybe that is what I want- but I don't think so. I think I just want to get these thoughts out of my head and say- this is where I'm at.
And then...oh man! It's like...I'm a failure (surprise,surprise) and that's ok with me. It's just that, last night we had to do something and I was a thousand percent against it and was pretty vocal about that- and then I realized that people would get annoyed with me and go to my mom and it would reflect badly on her. And I don't want my idiotic-ness to make anyone but me look bad...
I could go on...but it's probably way past time for me to shut up.

2006-03-10T18:37:00.000-08:00

I was thinking- what makes life any better here? Here I am loved. There I am loved. Then it sort of hit me (of course, I'm still sort of working it out, so bear with me here-)
Here people are ok with surface-level relationships. There we are a community and are supposed to go to a deeper level. So when I'm here, I fit into the hole just fine at first because it's still that surface-level "so-how-ya-been" business and it isn't until later where it gets deeper. The problem comes in where I crave that deeper-levelness...but I don't even want to admit that to me, and so I want that love but I just feel it as though I'm missing something. And I am. But because I don't know exactly what it is I'm looking for, I don't know where to look. And if I were to realize it's that intimacy- then I wouldn't know how to do that anyway.
PLUS...am I willing to pour out all that's inside me and be all close to someone- and then allow them to pour at all there junk to me?
Yeah- I think so.
And when I look- the closeness I want, I have- really, I do. It's just a little hidden, but there are those little drips that if properly tapped into- well, they could be gushing springs. So...I guess what I'm saying is...is...I'm not sure.
Maybe here I feel safer because I am almost expected to be an idiot (idiot may not be the right word here) and so if I am one, it's ok. Although, I'm not one...but I'm not pushed or even expected to change and be more like Jesus and so while I don't feel like slacking and reverting to old ways I don't feel like a failure. It's like I went from being the one being dragged along to the one pulling people along. It's a pretty good feeling. Most of the time...
Until people don't want to hear about Jesus. People who are saved, and used to be the ones who you looked up to spiritually are now the ones who think you're crazy because...because of whatever. I don't know if it's wisdom I need...or to hold my tongue...or to just offend away. Who knows? But hey- I'm just going to keep being me. And working to be like Jesus. So that someday...maybe we'll be sort of like twins...

God- please make me more like you. Thank you for the double blessings today on double blessing friday. you're awesome. AMEN!

hmm...

2006-03-08T13:54:00.001-08:00

people here expect me to be obnoxious. they expect me to drive them crazy. they think i cant cometo the office for a few hours without getting bored and driving everyone crazy. thank you lord for the oppurtunity to grow up. amen.

I bet you didn't know...

2006-03-05T12:23:00.000-08:00

"I was thinking that I might fly today, just to disprove all the things you say. It doesn't take a talent to be mean, your words can crush things that are unseen...so please be careful with me- I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way.
You always tell me that is impossible to be respected and be a girl. Why's it gotta be so complicated? Why you gotta tell me if I'm hated? So please be careful with me- I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way.
I was thinking that it might do some good if we robbed the cynics and took all their food...that way what they believe will have taken place and we can give it to people who have some faith...so please be careful with me, I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way.
I have this theory that if we're told we're bad then that's the only idea we'll ever have- but maybe if we are surrounded in beauty...someday we will become what we see...'cause anyone can start a conflict-it's harder yet to disregard it. I'd rather see the world from another angle. We are everyday angels.
Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way."

Words by...Jewel Kilcher. Punctuation by...me.

2006-01-23T15:40:00.000-08:00

Ever wonder why you got out of bed?
Yeah. Me too.

The things I say...

2006-01-22T18:57:00.000-08:00

These are some of my personal quotes...all said within the past...meh...ten minutes...

"Joooooooshuuuuaaaaah..." (in a very high pitched voice, about 8 gazillion times...)

"of course not-although, i dont know what the word "hurt" means, or what pain feels like, so im prolly not th best person to ask that..." (my response to "do tattoos hurt?")

"...i miss my basement where the sun doesnt shine..."

The end.

2006-01-10T20:52:00.000-08:00

i like to pretend that i live the normal life of a 19 year old poor kid. so i live in a basement. and eat partially cooked dirty-water noodles. (you maycall the ramen/chinese/mr. noodles)

2005-12-23T12:56:00.000-08:00

Eye away schwinn.

oh men...

2005-12-19T19:22:00.000-08:00

I'm going to lose it. Unless I've already lost it. Yep- it may be gone. CRAP! Where did it go? So...I'm looking for it. Have you seen it? DAN GIT! For seriously though...

stop the world and let me off

2005-11-29T11:38:00.000-08:00

I'm taking the day off today- I need a vacation
I've been straight-up going since march
and when I've stopped I stilled worried about what you're thinkin'
I babysat all weekend tomake some money-
I went three days just me and the kids and the diapers and cleanin'
cookin' meals, changin' clothes, countin'down hours til i was leavin
so i came home to takea break
but then you made a big deal about how you had to babysit that day
and today imstill tired- i had to lead cell
oh wait! she wontbe home?soim cookin too?
and i want to take anap and not feel like i have todo
but whenever i stop i think youre judging me-
oh look,she's just a slacker
whatmore could we expect? she's not contributing
thats crap! i pay rent, watch your kids and do ministry!
but hey- you just sit there and think that im not doing anything
that im the one who causes problems and just sees what i can take
i dont mind cause ive found one thing i want-
right now the onlything i have that i take is today

II don't know why I do this- no one reads my blob...and it's not like I would recommend it anyway...

2005-11-19T22:08:00.000-08:00

Rap #3...i think...

It's night time- I can finally go to sleep
but there's this thought that's plaguing me
Yeah, for a few hours I can escape
but what about the morning?
I have to do this all again...
I have to show the world what an idiot I am-
I have to sit with people and be alone,
I have to feel- and hurt- and listen to them talk
and even though I'mhere,I know I'm not a part
or maybe I am, but the voices in myhead don't agree
and I'm tired of fighting to know who to be
it's frustrating and sucks, i dont know what to do
i wanna gotosleep, but then morning willcome
no, flurry, im not better this week than i was last week,
im not even better today than i was yesterday
im losing all hope for tomorrow
i know after the death comes the glory,
but i thought i had died already
this is nothing new,its the same old thing
and it only hurts again and again
and so nowi stay awake and watch tv
dreading the morning and who i am
man,i quit- no wait...i cant...

goodthing no one reads this...ppl may think im nuts...

did i mention that i want to be a rap star?

2005-11-17T19:07:00.000-08:00

have you ever just wanted to quit and go home,
but you realize that place doesn'teven exist,
doesn't matter anyway because you couldn'tgo back,
not now that you know.
and no matter how hard you try,
you can't find the answers-
i guess that makes sense when you don't know the questions
and the voices are chatting it up in your mind
you can't tell who's who or what's what any time
so you get frustrated and you're searching for help
but the only people around make you question yourself
you question what you're hearing- if you're making it up
and then you get all tongue-tied and afraid to bring it up.
everyone's got an opinion,no one to listen
you feel like all you do in your mind is justify
and so here you are sitting in your melted resolve
trying to find te answers,when you still dont know the question
go home- no, moving on
ami just trying to run away?
does this mean that i should never have come?
you're running in circles,
you're dizzy and tired, but you have to keep going,
you must keep your balance
where is my strength? te one i rely on?
i dont even know Him- dont know which pillar to lean on
so the voices keep on chattering
im waiting for the silence
god, which one is you? what is the answer?
help me out of tis fuzzy gray confusion-
i know im going forward- there is something ahead-
wy do i feel as still as the dead?
sometimes i wanna quit and go home-
but then i remember
there's no where to go

i think uncle jesse is on ER...weird...

"through the eyes of a make-believe poet" aka: if i could rap...

2005-11-14T21:33:00.000-08:00

Mama...
did you ever wonder why your child is a screw-up?
why you're the mother of the one who was never quite good enough?
did you ever wonder why your baby couldn't talk to you?
did you ever sit and think "what did i do?"?
did you ever wonder why you had to fall in love and marry the man that had to die?
did you ever wonder why you had a daddy was one of those guys?
those guys that loved the bottle more than his own family?
those guys who hit his wife and kids and then left them in the hell that he had created?
did you ever wonder if you had done something wrong?
if all of this was punishment?
Mama...
did you ever wonder what happened that got us here?
did you ever wonder what would have happened if i would have stayed there?
did you ever wonder if all of this was your fault?
did you ever sit and wonder where you went wrong?
when you look into your daughters eyes, that so often fill with tears
and you know of the struggle she goes through to keep her here
doyou ever wonder why she got where she is?
and tehn do you wonder how long she'll stay like this?
do you ever wonder why you even bothered?
or why you were so bothered?
Mama...
do you sit and think of the mistakes you'vemade?
or worse than that- the mistakes i've made?
do you wonder how i could belong to you??
do you wonder what it is i want out of life?
and wonder if i'll get it, or if i'll never try?
do you wonder what would have happened if i wasn't me?
do you wonder how different i'd have been if i had daddy?
do you think about when i was young and you had so many hopes and dreams
and then think that im a failure- because i cant even be me?
mama...
do you wonder what i think about? dream about?
do you wonder what i even know about?
mama, i know you love me. i know when you look at me you dont see my failings-
but i cant help but wonder...
what if i was different?
what if i wasn't me?
what if i was that kid who lived up to those hopes and dreams?

so, maybe it should be titled...no more staying up past midnight on the puter when you're really freakin' tired...

2005-11-10T17:45:00.000-08:00

In 11th grade I took American History. It was a great class for 3 reasons:
1- history is easy- it already happened...so there's nothing to figure out...
2- gabe...i meant my brother...had the same teacher the year before; she liked him, therefore, she liked me...
3- student teacer who was genuinely interested in a) teacing and b) history (i think by "interested" i meant "passionate")
Anwya, the point is, the student teacher- I completely forget his name- made us write a poem about the Korean War. Mine was so good I got 5 extra points...so, in honor of "remembrance day""veteran's day"...or whatever day...this is what i writ...

Forgotten Soldier
They lie there in their shallow graves,
forgotten-all alonejust another number,
one less soldier coming home.
They crawled-they fought
through rain
through sleet
through snow
trenches, bombs, silent prayers
soldiers bathed in reddened mud
fallen bodies on the ground.
they fought-they died
both our comrades and our foes
now they lie there in their shallow graves
forgotten-all alone
just another number,
one less soldier coming home.

2005-11-03T07:54:00.000-08:00

Wow- long time no postys. Hmmm...
I making tea. Turns out- I like plain old tea- with sugar and cinnamon it it...

I just noticed how much I either think about the past andhow I mis the way things were- or I think about tomorrow and how things will be, ior how I'd like them to be. I forget to live in today.

I used to ask which is more biblical- to "be a good steward" and save and be prepared for tomorrow...or to live in today,and not worry about what tomorrow will bring...I decided that I wanted to live in today...so now I just have to do that...ok.I'm done.

2005-10-03T22:56:00.000-07:00

I am sleepy. Only- I think I'm sad. But my...me...confuses sleepy and sad. When I'm sleepy, I feel sort of sad. It's weird. Just another fun twisted in the screwy emotions of...yours truely! truly?
But seriously...my heart hurts. (even physically...) but...yeah. I am sad. I'm leaving the place I've loved since I arrived. (yes, there were times I hated it and wanted an earthquake to rattle it off into the ocean but, over all- this place is home) The last time I came to vancouver as we flew over the city these lyrics were playing through my head:
feels like home to me, feels like home to me! feels like im all the way back were i belong...
whether those are the words or not doesnt matter...what matters is is, well, it feels like im leaving home. when i moved here it wasnt so bad because tampa was never really home. leaving oklahoma wasnt hard- leaving stillwater sort of was, but i was 11- it wasnt too bad. so, im leaving the first place ive chosen to live. my place ive made home.
i know where im going, and that it will be fun- and hard- and great- but, ill really miss home.
ill miss walking down the street and not ever having to take a car, and eating at harbourlight with like...20 other people and just living like in everyone's business...and being a part of everyone and everyone being part of you...
im gunna miss leensee and braka and jeni and regan and xander and lucy-jane and m'linduh and haven and srene and cherie and baby noah and aaron and joshwa and ciara and steeb and danielle and zion and tara and gina and i dont want to name everyone cos thatd take forever but, people i think my heart is going to break for the most...im gunna miss nicole and lyric...oh...it hurts...

2005-09-28T23:13:00.000-07:00

So I was growing. I was like- that grass stuff you plant when you're little that grows a lot really fast- and you put it in a cup and draw a smiley-face so the grass is hair...anyway...then all of the sudden the growth stopped. It was like, people came back and I just couldn't be me. But then I sort of pushed through and came out of it alive. THEN everything changed. We had a whirl-wind two weeks where everything was thrown into chaos and everyone was basically a jerk to everyone and rather than saying "yes, actually I have been doing stuff, thank anyway" I reverted back to the old me where I said "yeah, well- I'm not helping because, pfft...who's gunna make me?"
Yes, that's exactly the way to make people realize you ARE doing your part to help out. NOT!
Then we kind of caught up, new students arrived and BAM! Attitude went WOOSH! BANG! And hit the floor.
So I went from grass to my brothers hairline. And it sucks.
The past few days have sort of sucked. I don't know exactly what's up, but I'm sure part of it is a) im getting old and b) im leaving. So, I've basically chilled in my room and done jack. I mean, I've done stuff, but not all that much. I don't like it.
I don't like not having things to do.
I don't like shrinking.
I don't like receding.
I want to grow! God, please help me to grow! Help me to continue on the path you've laid out for me and that I claim to choose. Make my feet start awalkin' again! Thank you! amen!

Good night.

if i was a poet...

2005-09-14T15:04:00.000-07:00

i would write poetry. deep thoughts by (insert name here). haha! but seriously...

i was going through an old notebook (just now) and found this: i wrote it march 4, 2004- which is about 2 weeks after applying for TWC and aout a month before being accepted.

"how far would i go for God? i dont know. i would like to say "all the way" but all the way where? to canada? to the projects in chicago? to antigua? to death? to torture? where will i follow him? if i can barely talk about god at school, where am i headed? save those close to me- then move out. set them on fire. then move out.
who do i love more? me? or god? god is the answer i should give w/o hesitation. but is it the honest truth? i would hope so. what can i give up for him? soda? tried it. chocolate? tried it. what can i do w/o so i could have more of him? what well i not sacrifice? i should be willing to be stripped of everything i own and still be able to go out into the world and work for him. am i even able to go out and work for him?!?!
what means more to me than jesus? i keep asking me- what will i give up for god. maybe i should step back and examine the things i love (ot hate) that make me me.
FRIENDS: would i be willing to take 1 hr. that i usually spend with friends to pray, meditate and read my bible?
INTERNET: this goes hand0in-hand with friends- could i take some internet time and use it to worship god?
CHURCH: ok- weird choice, but am i here for me? god? other people? would i be willing to spend my hours @ church w/god and not the people here?
Everything comes back to friends. do i need to take them out of my life more? or bring god into our relationships more? lets try god first."

and this was my prayer: "God- help me, ok? thanks."

So, those were the thoughts of a 17 yr old senior in high school 2-and-a-half months before grad. haha!

2005-09-12T07:36:00.000-07:00

I want to move. I have the faith to pack up, change countries (somewhat illegally) and trust God that everything will work out. But I can't even tell you whether I'm hearing God on this move- or if it's just me.
I have a bias- I want to go. It feels right. It feels good. I can totally see it working. But, at the same time while staying seems somewhat awkward and scary, it still feels right, and I can see it working.
I'm trying to stay away for "pro/con" lists because those aren't really listening. Unless God says: make a list and weigh your options.
So, I don't know. I don't want to say it's God- because what if I'm wrong? I just want someone else to tell me.
It's funny, because someone in leadership told me I was messing with their heads- which is what I said about him everytime this place was mentioned.
Oh, and another thing- why would I e-mail leadership for a "go ahead" if I'm not hearing I'm supposed to go? Especially when I've somewhat committed to more time here? Weird...
So- please pray for me to get a straight answer that I know is from God. No question. Only- I think this may be a learning curve to just step out in faith and listen. Yikes.
But if God tells you where I'm supposed to live, please let me know!
(It's also weird because I've been somewhat "released" by some friends, who think it's where I'm to be. So...time to break out the "is it God" checklist!"
1) does it feel right?
2) is it confirmed in the body?
3) do you want to do it?
4) is the way paved?
5) am i ready to submit more to God?
yes; sort of; yes; i think so; yes, i believe i am.

Ok, the end!

2005-09-09T13:34:00.000-07:00

things never seem so big in the morning. ever. i guess thats why people tell you to "sleep on it" when trying out a matress and making big decisions. why dont they tell you that in writing blobs? but i guess thats not very transparent- to sleep on things before letting them out...
anyway, things are brighter today. maybe they'll suck again tonight. maybe they'll be good tonight. who knows.
its our last weekend before classes start and a schedule i have to follow is put in place. i kind of liked making my own schedule. it made it WAY easier to look like i did nothing when, in fact, i was working my butt off. and i actually did stuff. i didnt have to be assigned to things. which is cool. but hey, a schedule will be fun. and with my life- it shouldnt get too monotonous. (thats when i change things up like...feed the kids a lot of sugar...dyed red...ha!)
ok...the end.

2005-09-08T23:20:00.000-07:00

i think something is wrong with me. seriously. wrong. i dont know who to talk to...other than god...and i dont even know if something is wrong. i may just be whining about nothing. or maybe trying to get attention. or maybe i am under attack. but then again, maybe its just me.
i dont know who to talk to because the one person i want to talk to doesnt listen- which is my fault because when she finally does i chicken out of whatever and say "hi". and anyone else i have a voice saying theyre too busy, or have enough on their plate, or...whatthecrapever.
i feel like im losing my mind. and its scary. some times the thinks i think scare me. and...well...thats not normal. crap.

so...please pray for me. a lot. and talk to me. maybe. ok. thanks. and...god knows me, even though you dont.

2005-08-27T21:22:00.000-07:00

I was talking to my mom tonight- and it was cool. I like talking to my mom. She might come up here to Vancouver (along with the rest of the fam) at Christmas- if that's when I am released to go. Haha!
So, that'll be cool. God, PLEASE let it happen!

I would like to have something profound to say- but there's nothing tonight. I guess I could share in some of my recent struggles- those seem to be a real kicker around here...

i used to have this whole problem where i didn't want to exist. Not that i wished i was dead, or that i never did exist- but for the time being, until i was ready, i just didn't want to exist. i've been experiencing the same thing again lately. i don't want to leave my room. i don't want to be around people. but i don't want to be alone. i want to be fun and normal- but i want to say things to hurt, or at least grab people's attention. and at the same time i just want to not exist. it's confusing, and weird.
i feel like i can't keep going, and that i'm falling back into...whatever i was. and that i'm once again just biding my time. i don't care, but i do. i can't be bothered to do anything, but i want to do things.
i'm definitely feeling the struggle between the "old me" and the "new me"- and it's more painful than the struggle to become the "new me." it's like- i knew there was more, and that i was putting up a front...and once i began to let that front be torn down and removed, it was great. but now- i think i'm feeling the backlash of old habits trying to kick back in. and i don't like it.
i think one of the toughest parts about this whole ordeal is that- it's not so much a struggle at the time, i just give in to whoever is loudest, and it's in retrospect i see the struggle. and because it's so internal and invisible- it's hard to ask for prayer- or even talk about it- without feeling as though im blowing things way out of proportion.

so...thats where im at...

My thoughts on anointing feet at grad:

2005-08-20T23:41:00.000-07:00

It was kind of scary because when you sat down and were anointed, there was a huge puddle of oil under your feet and a pile of greasey footprints in front of you. Just looking at them I could see how easy it would be to slip in fall in someone else's greasey prints.

Funny, I know.

2005-08-14T00:17:00.000-07:00

I don't dance. I don't like to dance. I don't even know if I can dance, because I've never honestly tried. I know some of the world's worst dancers have a lot of fun, but I have a lot of fear that surrounds dancing. It's not really all that great.
God has been telling me for some time now to dance, and I know that if I would just be abandoned and dance- things would change. I would know a deeper freedom and a deeper love and a deeper intimacy- but I still won't dance.
I am afraid of what others think. I don't even want people to think I'm having a powerful spiritual experience- or anything like that. I don't want people to think that I finally surrendered and danced. It's a fight that's killing me, and I still won't give in. I don't get it.
I realize that my dancing won't really be such a huge topic-of-conversation around here, that it's not about me and people are watching me to see if I'm singing or dancing or sitting on my bum doing nothing- but...still.
So, I would like to be recklessly abandoned. To be completely dead to me. Please pray for strength, humility, and courage.

God, give me the strength to give the last bits of me to you. My voice, my speech, my thoughts, my movements...and give me the humility to not mind being humiliated for you. Give me the courage to strip down and dance- not literally strip, though, please- but to lay aside things that keep my feet from jigging and my arms from raising and my hands from clapping and to dance! And give me rhythm and teach me to dance! Thank you for your love and patience- and for my broken foot which can be my excuse for bad dancing. HAHA! I love you! AMEN!

2005-08-06T20:25:00.000-07:00

they dug through the trash and found two sturdy boards
quickly they nailed them together
upon further searching they found 3 long and rusty nails
which were immediately pocketed.
they attached a small board as a sort of taunting foot-rest
just a bit out of the man's reach
together the two strong men struggled under the weight
as they carried the cross to their prisoner
stripped of his clothes, beaten until he could hardly breathe
they dressed him in shame and humiliation
they handed the cross to him and laughed as he struggled beneath the weight
already a dead-man walking.
thick crowds began to form to see the glory of the king
but as he passed they didnt recognize him
they saw a dirty, bleeding man, so they showered him with spit.
struggling to carry his heavy load he stumbled up the rocky hill
a man came and helped him- together they carried the cross
3 rusty nails pierced the Prisoner that day
and He was raised up where all could see Him
again He was stripped and they gambled for His clothes
He asked for a drink and they gave Him a vinegar soaked sponge
and He cried out "forgive them."
again they taunted Him telling Him to prove Himself telling Him to come down
it was your crap that nailed Him to the cross that day
but it was your face that kept Him there.
sure He could have come down, proven Himself then and there
but He died- when the earth went dark and the curtain ripped
He breathed His last-
at least for 3 days when He overcame death and conquered hell and took the devil's keys.

2005-08-05T21:46:00.000-07:00

I decided to write a book. Another book. A book that I plan on finishing. But what book have I ever started that I don't plan on finishing? It's sad. I want to finish. But I don't. I guess it's because it doesn't really matter if I don't. If I wait too long I lose all inspiration. If I go too long, I lose all point. But this one will be different. Bug me about it. Next time you see me, ask me how it's coming along. If I say badly, encourage me to finish. I want to finish.
The book is about lies of the enemy. Because there aren't enough of them out there already, I know. But I figure, why not write about something I know? Y'know?
My goal is to be done by August 17th. I started the book yesterday. I'm on page 6. This should be interesting. Haha.

2005-08-03T10:56:00.000-07:00

The other day I was talking to a friend (who does know me) and we were talking about WarriorAcademy. I was telling her that next year we should change things up and have fun day randomly during the week- that way we don't get stuck with the same McDeal meal every week.
Then I got totalking, and when I talk I say stuff that when I think about later I can almost convince myself of. I've decided- I think I'm goingto write a book of my theories. I have a lot of them. And also, a book about lies from the enemy. I'll get started on those after I finish the book I'm currently working on. Anyhoo...
So I was talking, and I wasn't thinking, words were just coming out my mouth, and I was saying that making an exact schedule for kids every day is ridiculous. We say that children thrive when they have a specific agenda every day- but I've never really seen it. Plus, then there's the fact that it gets disrupted all the time by things out of our control- and so excuses begin to form around misbahavior, rather than discipline. We say "they just haven't gotten back into the routine" rather than, "I'm not going to tell you more than once."
I then began to think ahead, about school and how everyday there was a daily schedule on the board, and life was all planned out- and it sucked!
I started to realize that we- as adults- hate change because as 2, 3 and 4 year olds the adults then found it necessary to keep us inside a little box. We suck at thinking on our toes, and dealing with things as they come up because they don't fit into our little day-planner in which every minute is penciled out.

Now, I'm not against organization, or schedule, because you have to know whats going on- but a daily routine? I mean, seriously!

2005-08-01T10:56:00.001-07:00

I like puppies. Little mexican puppies. They're SOOO cute! (don't tell anyone I said that, though.)
Later- for lunch- I think I'm going to eat a tofu hotdog. Sounds delicious, doesn't it? I don't actually have anything to say.
I watched Bring It On Again last night, and Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, and this morning I watched Banger Sisters and tomorrow I'm going to see the Traveling Pants movie and Herbie...and I still have to watch the other 2 movies we rented ("we" being me and another person whom you don't know...) which are Sleepover and 8 Mile. Yes, we're cool, I know. I'm sure after seeing our taste in movies you totally want to be our new best friend. Ok, go for it!
Y'know, I'm starting to realize that blobs like this aren't going to turn this thing into a "must-read" but, hey, not blobbing doesn't help either! So...I guess it's a lose lose situation.
I started readingthe bible again, I want to finish by August1- I'm in leviticus somewhere. I may finish. I don't know, yet, whether Aug. 1 is a definite goal- or a tentative goal. Either way...I should be reading not blobbing. So...this is good bye. For now.
Good bye! For now.

RAINBOW....s

2005-07-29T10:44:00.000-07:00

Now, I'm not usually one to put a title on my blobs- because I don't really care what they're called, I usually have no clue what I'm going to say, and then I don't feel like titling it. So- what's all this got to do with rainbows? absolutely nothing...

Yesterday I got dressed: I put on my favorite t-shirt (it's pink and has rainbows on it) and put in my favorite earrings. They're big rainbow-striped hoops. And then I remembered: it's gay pride week. Or weekend. I thought about changing...but then was like...pfft...not!
I have an issue with this whole "rainbow"thing. I LOVE rainbows. My new favorite color is rainbow. They're so pretty! And inclusive...it's like...all the colors. And they're also a reminder of God's promises to us. So...how do we allow Satan to take something God created to be a reminder of his love and pervert it into a symbol that promotes sin? And if you are a wearer/lover of that sin, you must be taking part in said sin. That sucks! Especially when christians even comment on your rainbow wearing. As though they don't know the promises!
So, yes, I like rainbows. And I think everyone should. And we should stop being so stereotypical and narrow-minded and ridiculous! pfft...and i figure, if we're restoring god's name, why not restore his promises, and other things. like- his law, even. i know we're not under law, but there are things in there that would be extremely helpful today. like...dont commit adultry, dont covet, and...i dont know...LOVE PEOPLE AND GOD!!!

2005-07-25T11:44:00.000-07:00

I was reading someone's blob and as I was commenting I realized...pfft...i should just blob this. So, here tis:

I have a problem with caring. Sometimes I think I care too much. If that's even possible. I get caught up in the "what can I do" for people, that I don't see what I am doing. It kind of goes along with a friend's blob about meeting a lady, and after mentally scanning the contents of her bag she realized she had nothing to help this chick, but what the chick needed was help getting up...only, there are times when there's nothing you can do but pray. And while that's more than a sandwich, Satan has twisted my mind to see it as nothing. Although, I'm seeing it as more- it just doesn't feel as practical. Especially in the following story:

Last night, I was going to let a friend sleep in my room, but she is barred from the Empress, and so when I got home, I had to tell her to leave. I had to make her sleep outside. She told me that I had to save her. That I was the only one who could help. That I was her little Jesus. It was 10:45, so it was too late for her to line up for a shelter, and she's got some anger/rage/crazy issues, so she's barred from most places anyway. As she was laying on my couch she would say something that gave me a glimpse into what was going- some comments she made indicated that she is going to do something to get into jail because she is so screwed right now with a place to live that at least then she'd have a bed and food. She also said she wished she was a dude, at least then she could sleep outside.
When you have someone laying on your couch, who hasn't slept in awhile, who you know will flip if you push too hard, who you just want to help- but there's nothing you can do- it sucks.

Where I live it's so easy to get bogged down in trying to help people that you get lost in a sea of hopelessness. Hallelujah, that hasn't happened to me in a long time- but we have a flock of new students coming in soon and I remember how overwhelming things seemed in the beginning and how Satan used situations to speak lies to me.
But I am learning that God can do it. I just sometimes have trouble waiting.

God, help us to have eyes to see where you are at work. And also eyes to see where we can do your work. Where we can establish your kingdom, and help bring about your justice. I pray that you download plans of action into us so taht we aren't overwhelmed and can go out and fight. I pray for victories, BIG ones- undeniable ones. Places where we can point and say- see that hurdle we jumped? See that mountain we climbed? So that we are not discouraged. And I pray for a renewed hope and a renewed sense of justice. And...a renewed dependancy on you, not what's in my bag. AMEN and AMEN.

2005-07-23T19:49:00.000-07:00

I was reading comments on past blobs- which I usually don't check for comments once I've written a new blob, but I should. I miss some stuff when I don't.
Yes, Tara- I did write the poem. I used to want to be a poet. That could be embarassing and weird for me to admit- but, since you don't know meeeee...haha.
It's nice to read comments, that make me feel special. I like to feel special. It's...special. Encouraging people is excellent! (Note: this is not me trying to get you to comment more) I think I should encourage people more. It's definitely an area I need work- so, here goes!

Be encouraged!

Haha! Jk...but seriously, folks! You have something to give, give it! It's beautiful and God gave it to you. I don't know what it is, you may not even want to admit that you have it, but you do, so give it! You may be afraid that you won't use it correctly, or as well as others,or you may just be lazy, or perhaps you're like me- you don't know why you can't bare the thought of having talents and gifts, you think you'd rather suck- well, you don't. Like I said, you have something to give- give it!

So...be encouraged!

2005-07-22T15:22:00.000-07:00

My blob should now recieve anonynomous comments. I haf changed it many many times, it is just gay. And by gay, I mean stoopid, not of the homosexual orientation. I realize some people may be offended by the usage of the term "gay" in this context, but I assure you I do not mean to offend. Not now, anyway. So, what not choose a different word instead of blogging an explanation as to what I meant by the word "gay"? Because- that would have been too easy and made too much senes. mahaha!

2005-07-20T20:26:00.000-07:00

i thought i was done being frustrated and angry. but tonight i was. today my emotions got a little whacky at some points, and it's incredibly weird.
i was walking down the street when all of the sudden i basically had a panic attack. my insides completely flipped! i thought i was gunna flip on the outside, but the person i was with remained clueless. and i was serioulsy freaking. my heart was racing my stomach was all knotty and i thought i would throw up. when it finally passed i felt really weak, tired, and nervous. like i'd had a real panic attack.
then tonight i just kept getting frustrated. it sucked.
then i would get sort of sad.
then i tried to call my sister and i talked to my mom for a few minutes but she was too busy. and then when i finally got ahold of her my phone card ran out of minutes because it charged 20 minutes every phone call- which its totally not supposed to do. so then i wanted to scream and yell and punch something and cuss and throw the effing phone across the effing room and watch it shatter against the wall. and then i started to cry. but then i had to stop. i didnt want to. but i did.
and now i feel tired. and defeated.
ive been doing so well. am i still doing well? can you feel like this and still do well? i want to do well! i want a lot of things right now, actually.
i want to be able to talk to my mom without worrying about what time it is there and whether or not she's too busy or whether or not im boring her with my junk, and i want to be able to talk to my little sister and hear that shes doing ok without my phone card dying i want to be able to hang out with my brother and write stories and poems and sing songs at the top of my lungs as we drive around in his jeep and i want to hang out with my friends and make jokes and have fun and laugh. i want to be able to talk to all these people and know they arent too busy for me. to know they arent too busy to e-mail me back and to just hang our with them.
but, right now, i cant even afford another phone card to call my babysister and make sure shes ok.
my insides hurt, and my eyes are starting to burn as well as the back of my throat due to the tears that i cant seem to let go of.
please pray for me.

2005-07-16T13:47:00.000-07:00

Words of Wisdumb:
"Don't run naked through a briar patch during a stow storm."
- J. M. R./ J. D. S.
Best advice ever:
"Do well."
- H. W. B. D.
Best Compliment ever:
"You're doing well."
-E. R. G.

2005-07-13T12:29:00.000-07:00

Have you ever done something stupid because it seemed to be the expectation? Like, for example, I have eaten tons of icing in my day- because people expected that of me.
A lot of crap that I've had to deal with these past few months come from me letting myself be bogged down by what I perceived to be the world's expectations. I allowed myself to become "just !@#$%" Y'know? I would get by with things because, "oh,it's just !@#$%" And it sucked. I hated being "just !@#$%" almost as much as i hated being known as "!*#$%^'s sister." So, seriously...I don't really know how to change the world from having a certain picture of a person and then keeping them in that box. Because, honestly, I don't fit in a box and neither does anyone I know.
Maybe that's why when I talk about people, i have a hard time describing them, because I don't want to put them in a box, I want to see every dimension of them and to describe someone makes them too one-dimensional sometimes.
But anyhoo- this blob is just me being a bit ticked off at people because sometimes, when you expect someone to fail, they meet your expectations, and then you get mad. And when they succeed, you don't even notice.

2005-07-08T13:43:00.000-07:00

I spend my days in a warped amusement park.
40 bucks for a ride.
How long does it last?
How long can you go?
10 bucks for a ride.
This one takes you higher than you’ve ever been.
No janitor’s to clean up the park,
Plates and food everywhere.
Tonight the place is empty.
Last night it was full.
Tonight everyone can afford their rides.
Today they couldn’t very wel pay the fare.
Most nights the people dance in the streets.
Screaming and yelling they run about.
How long will it last?
How long can you go?
Bending and twisting, and hopping around.
The people can’t stand up straight,
They line up in food lines,
Swearing and fighting.
Most of them don’t know what they want,
Or even how to get it.
40 bucks for a ride.
How long will it last?
How long can you go?
10 bucks for a ride.
It’ll only sting for minute.
It’d cold and rainy, and very wet,
It only means more fighting
No one sells panchos,
There are no public restrooms.
Shaking and shivering- in spite of the cold?
Roller-coasters with the biggest turns
Ups down and crazy corkscrews.
How long will it last?
How long can you go?

2005-07-06T21:42:00.000-07:00

Today I was putting the babies to bed and then I took I shower. When I got out of the shower, I noticed the littlest babies blanket on the floor of the hallway. As I looke at it again, I noticed, the baby was under it, sleeping in the hallway. As I picked her up and put her back in her bed, I was amazed at how incredibly awesome God is.
What did I ever do to deserve to tuck in His babies? What did I do to be able to kiss them good-night, to read them bedtime stories, to hug them, to put a band-aid on them, to pray with and for them? What did I do?
Absolutely nothing.
I was thinking, then, about the people God trusted me with, and I hurt them instead of speaking life into them. It sucks to look back at those things. It hurts. But God has given me a second chance with a lot of them. With my sister, with some friends, with people I hardly met, with leaders. It's amazing.
It still weirds me out that God gives us His babies and trusts us enough to care for them, and raise them up- and I'm just the freakin' babysitter! Imagine what being the mom must be like! Holy crap!
And then- if I- who suck, and screw up, and am definitely NOT perfect, and can't even love right- feel this way about these beautiful children- and other people God has given me- how the crap does God feel about me? How much more does it hurt Him when I don't listen? How much more does it hurt Him when I'm hurt? How much more does He rejoice when I'm good? When He gets good reports from my teachers and "babysitters" and stuff. How much more does He love me?
This is the kind of stuff that makes my brain go wonky...but I like it.

Thank you, God, for loving me.

That's been my prayer for the last little while, and I really like it. I haven't really been the easiest person to love, and yet- here's God who loves me. He died for me. And He's making me more lovable by the second, and has sent me people who love me and are helping Him and...wow...my brain...going wonky. but seriously- think about it. Your brain'll go wonky too.

oh, by the way...
YOU DONT KNOW MEEEEeee...

2005-07-01T22:08:00.000-07:00

Ha Ha! Another post!

I was walking down the street tonight and a lady was walking toward me going the opposite direction- obviously because she was coming toward me. I looked at her and then she looked down. Then back up again,so I smiled. And she smiled back. And said "hey beautiful."

It was probably one of the best things anyone has said to me in a long long time. And I knew that it was from God and He meant it. I guess maybe I'm not the fat kid anymore, but something else. Weird.

2005-07-01T11:43:00.000-07:00

It's so funny to me that you can have a great day with one bad ten-minutes, and then when you look back on the day, it's viewed as one SUCKY day.
I recieved some tough news yesterday, but at the same time it was good news. Well, it was followed up with good news- sort of. I may have a jacked perspective, but hey, it's my perspective- so get off me. Now, if you're curious and want to know the news, you'll have to ask me, and then I will tell you. Maybe.
Now I've got this weird feeling inside. Almost empty. Almost full. Not sure how to feel. Is this what broken feels like? Like you want to crawl in bed and sleep for days. Like you want to keep on truckin'. Like you want to try harder than ever before. Like quitting. Like praying. Like letting someone hug you and hold you. Like being alone. Is this broken? Or is this just confused.
If it's broken, then, well- I must be broken.
I wonder when I'll be fixed.
That's another problem I have. (I'm sure when all you kids started reading this blob ya didn't think you'd have all these issues thrown at'cha. Welp, here ya go!)
Whenever I am dealing with something, I look ahead to find a solution instead of just walking through things. I want to remain positive, and see the bright side, and the light at the end of the tunnel, but that does nothing to help me learn from my mistakes. So, I need prayer that I just walk through this holding on to God's hand.
Yep, it's definitely time for me to walk. yeesh.
So, I hope all y'all lil killas have youselfs a good day! Bye bye!!

2005-06-26T15:13:00.000-07:00

Here we are, once again. Just you. And just me. Only, when you read this, I'll already be gone, and this is just a memory of me. Isn't that fun?

So I went on this Journey thing, and it was great.

I got confronted with someone wondering if I really did suck this much. It was an "am-i-seeing-you-how-you-really-are-and-can-be-or-how-i-want-you-to-be" thing. Let me tell ya, that hurts. And wakes you up. And you realize, yes, I do suck this much. But hopefully you see me right, because your idea wrks for me.

Then I saw that oppurtunity is not something I have tons of right now. While I have tons of little ones, big ideas aren't what people look for in me. I have really screwed that up.

I realize, I'm here basically because of God and two people with HUGE amounts of faith in Him, and the Him in me. Hallelujah the Him-in-me is going to win over the me-in-me.

So, prayer would be appreciated for walking with God. And for my foot. I have a bad case of street-feet, and I want to cut off my toes. Also for Lydia.

Ok...bye...
YOU DONT KNOW MEEEEeeee....seriously, you dont...rachael boring!!!

listening...

2005-06-15T18:45:00.000-07:00

I do no really have nothing to say. So I should proberly just not say anything. That would be genus of me. But I awready started talking. Tima think up sumthin-

I like Vancouver.

YOU DONT KNOW MEEEEEeee...

I have issues...

2005-06-12T15:15:00.000-07:00

Hello. Welcome to my blob. It is very sad how everyone's grammer goes out the window when commenting on my blob. Now then, on to my issues.

I have been struggling lately with being who God created me to be. Mostly because I'm not entirely sure who that is. I like to sit around, though, and remind myself who and what I'm not.
I'm not a prophet.
I'm not a preacher.
I'm not a teacher.
I'm not an intercessor.
I'm not a healer.
...
I never sit and think of what I am, because if I did, I may be wrong about the things above. I guess this kind of goes along with Tara's blob from the other day about humility. Which brings me to my question of: is false humility the same as insecurities? Well, can it be the same? Would you consider insecurity to be the same as false humility?
Also, how do I become more of who God wants me to be, and get rid of this voice in my head that says:
You suck.
You don't belong here.
Why are you still at War College?
Don't try, you'll fail.
You're not funny.
...
?
I had other things to add that I thought up in church today...I was thinking about appeals. Y'know? At the end of the sermon and you're called up to allow God to publicly fix you. But I'm a WC student. I should be mostly fixed, and so I can pray with other people.
It kind of gets weird where at WC I'm like...the lowest of the low, and then other places I'm like...looked up to- almost- for my closeness to God, and I'm supposed to know the answers. But I don't know the answers. Things get strange...I need your prayer, please.

Thank you for reading my blob. I sure do hope you enjoyed it.

YOU DONT KNOW MEEEEeeee

I've been thinking...and...

2005-06-09T18:24:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about this question. Am I a chick...or a dude. Most people would probably find this to be a normal question- that's easy to answer. But I find it to be somewhat intriguing. (Like i said, I've been thinking...)
Does this question mean I am a dudely chick? Or a chickly dude?

Anyhoo- on to business...

I was visiting a blob that was discussing Strategy. Strategy makes me think of goals, naturally- your strategy is your way in which you are planning for to acheive said goal.
But I don't particularly care for goals. Let's unpack that, shall we?
First and foremost- or maybe just first- I am quite lazy sometimes, although I've thought many-a-time that had I not been so lazy I would have been a perfectionist and in being so would have driven myself to the point of insanity, so perhaps my laziness was really a gift.
Also, there is the fact that in setting a goal, you have plans to achieve that goal. I have a fear of failure. I did not know this, except I realized one day that I've never really tried anything in my entire life. So as to not fail.

I was just thinking that perhaps some of you reading this here blob may think I am IDless because I feel I can be more open and won't feel so vulnerable. I assure you, that's not the case. I am IDless for to make life a little bit more funnier.

mahaha.

My apologies...

2005-06-09T18:03:00.000-07:00

I would like to apologize. I did not realize my blob was set to not allow anonymous comments. Anonymous comment are the best kind.

BTW- who cares if I'm male or female? All you need to know is two things:
number a) I'm a child of God.
and number b) YOU DONT KNOW MEEEEeeee...

Getting to KNOW MEEEEeee

2005-06-08T22:55:00.000-07:00

Hello. And welcome to my blob. I meant blog. As for those of you reading this- I hope you exist. I have not yet told anyone about this here blob, and so...who knows. Praps the good Lord will just lead you here.
BTW- whatever is discussed on this here blob stays here on the blob, never to be brought up in my presence. If we happen ever for to meet, of course. Now then, on to the blob:

So- I got this one word (well, I have more than one word...) that I keep repeating whenever I pray. I've been asking God,
"Excuse me, sir, but may I please have an interpretation for said word."
Let me tell you, it was a way-too-overly said word. Behold! I get an intepretation, God says- mercy. But...
I've been reading through the bible- going to get through that whole thing by july 1 (started june 1...) and I've been reading through numbers, deut, josh, and judges today and there was my word! It's the name of a city. Boy was I surprised. I still wanted to know what it meant.
Then, the word was not just a name of a city but the name of one of the 6 cities where Isrealites were to flee if'n they happened to accidently murder a fellow-person. So, naturally I had to consult Mr. Strong's concordance in order so that I would be able for to know the original hebrew meaning.
As it just so happens for to turn out- the word is derived from a hebrew word that means:
holy, sanctified, hallowed...and other such terms
Now, correct me if'n I am wrong but- isn't this strange? Take your brain, and these two words: Mercy and Holy (or sanctified) and try to work out some way in which you are praying for mercy using a word derived from a hebrew word meaning holy. No, don't use your brain. I tried. It was a lot of fun. I really like God.

So, now that YOU still DONT KNOW MEEEeeee...go 'way.

YOU DONT KNOW MEEEeeee

2005-06-04T14:08:00.000-07:00

Hello. I am anonymous. You don't know me. Mahaha. Someday I may think up really cool/insightful/interesting crap to put on here. Maybe. Then again, who really knows? Besides God, that was a cheap answer. No more trying to prove me wrong.
OK, I'm done. bye bye. Wow..coloring is boring.